To all the older transitioners who tell me I’m doing what’s right
When I came out to myself as trans, I thought “okay, this makes it easy now. I’m trans, everything makes sense, I’ll go on testosterone, get top surgery, and then be happy”. I was an idealistic sixteen, and hoped that it was that simple. Nothing ever is.
I’m now 17, I call myself Jamie online, and by my birth name offline. I’ve been out to myself for a year, pretty much exactly (give or take about ten days), and I almost wish I hadn’t come out to myself.
I really do see how it can be harder for older transitioners to transition in many circumstances, and especially male-to-female, but I fail sometimes to see how that is easier than living a double life, living a lie to keep the people that you live with happy. My parents haven’t accepted the idea of me being trans at all well, and I’m choosing to live as a girl until I leave college probably. Every week I have maybe one chance to present male, and then I tear myself apart getting dressed as a girl again, because it’s not me. People who barely know me have figured out I’m a transguy, where my parents call it a phase.
It’s not impossible to just live as a girl, maybe surprisingly it’s quite possible, but it isn’t a life worth living, and I’m going to be looking back on these two and a half years as the wasted years when I could have been getting on with my life, but instead spent them stuck in a rut waiting for a chance to get out. Alternatively I could see them as a place where I could deal with my issues.
Issues, yes. I have a lot of them, trust issues, abuse issues, eating issues (minimal, thanks be) and self harm issues, I could use this two and a half years to deal with those, so that I can start life as a well adjusted young man when I get out, but that doesn’t work, not when I go back into this unhealthy environment. Because it is unhealthy, I’ve gone back to being clinically depressed thanks to all of this. I say I can live with it, I can, so if it’s “transition or die” then I have no right to transition, because I can manage without, but that’s not how it works, I won’t live unless I do that.
There’s a lot more support out there for trans teenagers than there used to be. I’ve got amazing friends, and an amazing mentor, but sometimes it’s not enough, especially when people see me as trans before they see me as male, and I just want to live my life as a guy. It’s hard being young, I know exactly what I want and need, but I’m not allowed to go out there and get it, because I’m too young, so I’m left in this limbo instead.
I’m an intelligent boy, I would be looking at going to one of the best universities in the country if I hadn’t let being trans take over my college work, if I didn’t spend this whole time in a funk about not being able to be who I am, or at least not being able to be him, and have a managable life. I know things would be a lot harder if I forced coming out, I’d probably end up on a friends floor, but I’ve reasoned that that’s not going to work for me, that I’m not someone who could function so dependent on anyone for everything, and that I just have to do my best.
Sometimes, it’s easier just to stop, and think of how lucky I am, that I can live my whole life as a man, but often I can’t even do that.
This is a letter to all those older transitioners who keep telling me that it’s easier transitioning young.
It’s not easy
Jamie
I like your outlook on how you should handle these years. I’m not quite 15 and I’ve been out for almost a year. I’m most likely years away from T so I decided to use this time to transition into the man that I want to be in every other aspect.
Good luck man.
“I’m an intelligent boy, I would be looking at going to one of the best universities in the country if I hadn’t let being trans take over my college work”
Hey, don’t beat yourself too much over this. My grades have gone down, too –I used to be at the top of the whole class– but I’m doing my best under the circumstances, and I’ve learned to be proud of that.
Best,
Francisco
Thanks Francisco
I know what you mean, but it can be frustrating sometimes, to know that I’m not going to achieve what I should
Don’t “should” all over yourself. I appreciate your frustration. But life if full of unexpected opportunities. Who knows what amazing opportunities await you?
After all, who would have guessed that a biracial kid from a broken home, raised by his grandparents, the son of an immigrant, would one day become the most amazing U.S. president of my generation? And yet there he is.
Don’t give up on who you may become. Anything is possible. Brits are made of solid stuff. Trust the process.
You, are really rather too observant *grin*
I get the point you’ve made, but for me, it’s kinda the opposite, I came from a home where my parents expected me to be someone, to follow in footsteps, Oxbridge, law, politics, to achieve more than I ever will.
I’m the academic kid, but that’s not who I really am, not any longer, I’ve changed almost beyond recognition really *laugh*
Jamie,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Yep, I am one of those older transguys and I appreciate your perspective.
Your right, it is difficult growing up in a household where you are not respected as a human being, let alone not respecting your choices.
Parents are funny animals, for the most part they try to do the right thing. They can only perform at the level of parenting that they themselves have learned. Their way of processing what is good for you, (being nonjudjmental, teaching respect for others and at the same time teaching you basic responsiblities to use the rest of your life) will only be successful if they embody the same principles.
I don’t pretend to know your situation,Jamie, but you are gaining powerful life experiences during these hard times……like how you would treat other people differently or perhaps more about what you know you need for yourself.
One thing to consider as well, Jamie, is that no matter if you were cis male , gay, or Lesbian ,there would be all kinds of growing up issues. For instance, I came out as a Lesbian at 14. I was grounded from slumber parties, not allowed to have female friends and my bedroom door was taken off along with prvate phone removed. It made me a very angry young person with know one to talk to. Now , I was strong enough to realize that killing myself wasn’t the answer…but if it were not for my music..life would have been very depressing. So , I found a passion to get me through those times….and I new I had to play the part of the good daughter, so I dated guys and played the game for 2 years. Then off to college.
Of course, society had given me a community, Lesbians, but still at a time that was very closeted…and I was squelching my trans identity.
Don’t want to overwhelm you with any more of my narrative so let me say..you are a strong, intelligent human being. Be happy you have a mentor! It will be scary and frustrating but your time is coming and you have the guidance of us older guys to help you. Work on finding your passions and visualize yourself fulfilling seeing them in action. And remeber..you are not alone.
Namaste,
Oliver
Thank you very much for your thoughts. I can see how difficult it is to transition at any age, I just find that often older transitioners, typically older transwomen tend to minimise the struggles faced by younger people.
I came out to my parents as a lesbian when I was a lot younger, and they were relatively accepting. They were suspicious of any female friends I had, whilst never mentioning it again, reminding me regularly that I would get a husband and kids, but never making things overly difficult. My Godmother is in a lesbian relationship, and my parents are fine with that, me coming out as a lesbian was just a little closer to home. I went through the killing self stage, and tried rather hard, spending 18 months in a psychiatric hospital, during the time when I was trying to work out who I was and who I could possibly turn out to be.
I’m lucky that I have guidance, I really am, I have passions (though they rarely last), I’m just tired of being told that what I’m doing is easy… it’s not.
Thanks for your input
Have a good day!
With few exceptions, transitioning is difficult regardless of the age.
I was a few years older than you are when I transitioned back in the 1990s (during the first Ice Age LOL). And yes, it was excruciating. I lost everything. Family. Friends. Home. Job. Church. But in time, I remarried as my true self. Found new friends. Eventually bought a house. Went through a long litany of jobs. And discovered my own spiritual path.
I also struggled with addiction, depression, abuse, rape, codependency and financial collapse. I learned to take life one day at a time. That means that while I may make plans for the future, I allow myself to enjoy life in the present.
I learned that even if things aren’t the way I would prefer, I can find things to be grateful for. I have a place to sleep (sometimes that place was a friend’s couch). I have food to eat (sometimes there’s nothing but ramen noodles, but it’s food). I have clothes to wear (even if they may not fit my gender identity). I have people in my life who do care about me (even if it’s not my family).
I learned that happiness isn’t dependent on our circumstances. We can find happiness, even as we are doing what we can to change our circumstances.
Do what you need to take care of yourself, including calling 1-800-DONT-CUT for self harm issues. I’m serious about that. Don’t worry about getting through the next year. All you have to do is make it through until you go to bed tonight. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Trust the process, my friend.
Thank you very much. The phone number looks American, if I’m right? Sadly, I’m a Brit, were I American it would be a lot of use. Thanks for… believing in me? I’m not sure. Your message brought comfort, and I appreciate that.
I think happiness is dependent on more than circumstances, but I think that they play a huge part in it, they do for me, anyway.
I should remember that, finding things to be grateful for when everything is difficult
Thank you
J