The following thoughts are strictly based on my own personal observations of the trans community over the last few years. This is written without any intent to upset anyone, accuse, blame, or point the finger at. It’s simply what I’ve seen, and thought about.

I believe, from what I’ve seen, that there are five “groups” of trans people in the community. I believe that most people fit into just one of the groups, though some might overlap into more than one group.

1) There are those few in the trans community out in the front lines of advocacy and activism fighting for the rights of the trans community. They’re the ones that not only give “Voice” but “Action”, out doing their part in politics, businesses, and medical and educational institutions. I give major Kudos to these people who are on the front lines.

2) There are others out there every day in “Service”, supporting the day-to-day personal needs of our community. Whether by personal support, or filling basic personal needs such as shelter, food, and clothing. I acknowledge and give Kudos to these people, also, who are working out of the spotlight to aid our community in so many ways.

3) There are those who live quietly, apart from the visible trans community. Perhaps it’s from fear of discovery, perhaps just needing to live their lives in peace, or maybe because they have no money or a place to sleep, or friends, because they lost their job, were kicked out of their homes, or were ostracized from all those they love simply because they are trans. I understand this group, and know they are taking care of themselves the best they can, and would never dismiss them. They are a valuable part of our community.

4) Then there’s the few that are just plain apathetic. They might get excited “Oh, good, this organization is hosting a Clothing Drive for the trans community” or “Nice! A Shelter for homeless trans people. Glad that’s there for them”, or “Good to see that trans activist out there fighting for us”. Or, maybe, they’re not even paying attention because someone else is doing it, so they don’t need to feel bad or guilty that they aren’t rolling up their sleeves, pitching in, and helping the few doing all the work. Most, I believe, don’t really care whether something is done or not, and wouldn’t really miss these things if they weren’t done. I don’t understand this group at all. In fact, I choose not to think about this group, or I become upset with them.

5) Lastly, there are those who sit in vigilance, reading and posting or reposting a tweet, or Facebook message, or adding a comment to a blog post. These are the curious, the angry, or the complainers. This, the largest in visibility of the groups, are “information gatherer’s and dispersers” while sharing their own opinions on how things could be better, or done differently, or how poor the lack of positive trans visibility, or how we’re always “pushed under the bus”, or how we’ve been invisible for far too long, or indignant that yet another trans person lost their job, or was murdered. They speak of their anger, or their hurt, or depression. Yet, this group continues day after day, hour after hour, sitting in front of their computers or cell phones, (“armchair activists” and “rabble rousers” I believe they’re called), and DO actually nothing except spread information and continue to INFECT themselves and the community with anger, sadness, and depression. I view these people with sadness in my heart. They devote their lives to awareness of the injustice to our community, but can’t bring themselves to put that same energy towards SERVICE in and for our community.

Which group do you belong to, and why? I really would like to know.

(This is a repost of my Facebook Note posted yesterday, June 9, 2009. I believe the subject is important enough that it must be shared with those not on Facebook).

Among my endeavors is the title of Webmaster of the modern-day Gay Activists Alliance International website. (http://www.gayactivistsalliance.org). The GAAI have taken a stance along with other organizations to boycott London Pride for their lack of support of the trans-identified community. The GAAI is FULLY INCLUSIVE of trans-identified individuals.

I am a trans male. I was born female-bodied, but having the gender identity of a man. I have medically and socially adjusted my body to match my gender identity.

I’ve been around the GLBT community for 30+ years. I have seen many changes. I have seen the acronyms grow from just G to GL to GLB to GLBT and continuing on with the Q and the I ….

Forty years ago, we were ALL part of the “Gay” community. There were no separatists (*see Note below). Whether we were male, or female, nellie, flaming, butch, dyke, queen, crossdresser, transvestite, transsexual (a medical term, btw), liked men, liked women, liked both, or even were simply gender-variant – we ALL made up the Gay community.

Remembering Stonewall today requires knowing the TRUTH. The truth has been skewed and warped through the years, as our ONE community has split into its smaller fragments of acronyms.

The truth is, Stonewall was initiated by what we would NOW term the gender-variant people, or “TRANS”. There would be NO PRIDE if it weren’t for TRANS men and women.

Let me repeat this. THERE WOULD BE NO PRIDE IF IT WERE NOT FOR TRANS MEN AND WOMEN.

The truth is, the FIRST riot where we all protested has now become a forgotten piece of history – The Compton’s Cafeteria Riots”. These riots were initiated by TRANS people in San Francisco, three years BEFORE Stonewall, in 1966.

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compton%27s_Cafeteria_Riot and www.comptonscafeteriariot.

My boy contacted me just minutes after I posted my status line this morning that said ” Life is beautiful! Be thankful, and see the beauty.” Little did I know that a miracle would be happening.

Sitting here once again, after a shopping trip with him, and the emotions are flooding. The tears streaming down my face, a sob or two sneaks its way out.

I look at the photos I’ve uploaded, I hear my boys in the other room, and I cry some more. The joy inside me is screaming its way into the room.

I go through my emails, and find another young man who writes “my life is being put thru a meat grinder, binding is as far as can go at this point, social anxiety is killing me, can’t use public restrooms, i’m scared, confused & alone”.

I cry some more, as I am trying to explain to my wife – something that doesn’t really need explained. All this started because I created a simple website. A website to give the guys a chance at something I never had.

Nearly 900 men (from 13-65), two other support sites, and now an organization later, I am humbled. And emotional. And ecstatic. And nearly speechless.

I will explain the miracle of my boy being here in our home in another note. I’m not able to write any more now, it’s way too powerful.

Seize the Day!
Michael B.

“Out here we treat the internet like a public BBQ: you might talk a minute to the person eating next to you, even give them your extra fork, but once you go home neither of you don’t vouch for the other as a friend just because you both like BBQ.”

I received an email with the above statement the other day. It was in response to my invitation to connect on Yahoo! Profiles. What I wasn’t aware of when I clicked to request a connection, was that it was to a brand new Yahoo! Group, barely alive for 2 weeks. Now, mind you, this was a Trans-supportive group, for SOFFA’s of transgender men and women. I have corresponded with one of the transman heading the group via messenger a couple of times in the recent past. He’s involved in another Yahoo group I frequent, and a part of a national organization that was founded by a good friend of mine.

“You have never asked to Yahoo Connect with me, [our group], or any of our members, even though our Yahoo IDs have been there for years, but you send an invite to a week old ID. Kinda creepy even when I know who you are.”

I’ve been using Facebook for several months, seeing it as an invaluable networking tool. I have to say that it’s Facebook that has enabled me to get word of our organization out on the Net and into people’s homes. It’s also due to Facebook that I have met so many incredible, awesome people who have become personal friends of mine, and enriched my life in ways I can’t begin to explain. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Prior to Facebook, I used Myspace as a networking tool, although at the time I started with it, it didn’t have all the functionality it has now for networking, which led me to move on to the evolution and extensive capability of Facebook.

I have many “friends” I’ve connected with via both these networking mediums. Some were suggested to me by others, some approached me with a request to be a friend, while others I saw an opportunity to get to know another trans man or woman and maybe be able to offer something to them in the way of support. After all, that’s why I network – I give my time, my energy and my finances to assist and support the trans community in every way I’m conceivably able to give.

Although not new to Yahoo! (groups or mail), I am new to the new Yahoo! Connect feature. Thinking it was another way of adding to my networking abilities, I requested a friend Add from this group. Sometimes I’ve included a short message to someone when requesting “an Add” and other times, I don’t, thinking that they will simply look at my profile (which is visible to Everyone, friend or not, on all websites I belong to) and they will see 1) I am trans, and 2) I run an organization that supports trans individuals.

Rather than be accepted, I received the email, telling me that the owner would have to contact this other person [who has done many good things for the Trans community in his area of the country] before they would consider approving me. It’s his email that contained these sentences about connections I’m referring to in this writing.

“…why are you sending a “personal” Connections invite to our area SOFFAs group organizers? You do not know any of the people at that Yahoo ID, you did not even send a note explaining why there should be any common ground….So it makes perfect since that [the site owner] will not connect with a Trans site owner or a stranger in Arizona without finding out why you sent the invite”

“A stranger in Arizona”? Well, I never thought of it that way. I responded to his rather curt email with a short, but polite email, apologizing for the apparent “intrusion”, but I also included the following in this return email:

“I believe trans organizations need to work together and form alliances with each other, even if only getting together for “BBQs”. I also believe that although technically I’m ”a stranger in AZ”, I’m a transman out there *doing* something for our Trans community. I see it as opening doors to possibilities; instead of running into the brick walls we do in general society.”

He continued in another email after my response:

“Plain and simple, if you do not know someone, have not even sent a simple email of greeting, then you are a stranger. Period. Does not matter if you are Trans, claim to be Trans, or anything else.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was put off by the tone of his emails, and discouraged to find this type of attitude in our own community. Segregation anyone?

“Strangers vs. Friends”. I wonder how many friends we would have if we all had the same attitude, that everyone’s a stranger. I wonder how he proposes one establishes a friendship if one does not initiate the first step in a friendship?

I’m baffled, and somewhat put off by the position this person has taken. I should probably let it roll off my back, but it’s grinding at me, and I needed to share it with all of you and maybe get some feedback on this.

So I leave it to you to let me know – Is online networking “creepy”? Or maybe they just do things differently in the south.

Seize the Day!

Michael B.

I find myself needing to comment on the issue of bathroom usage after reading a recent blog post which can be found here: ( When Does “Sex” Matter to Trans People )

I know this may seem like I’m “behind the times” in this issue, but until one has actually experienced a situation, one cannot necessarily make an “informed decision” about how they feel about it.

“…sex segregation of restrooms is largely a matter of social convention, not law”

The conclusion of the bathroom issue down further in the blog posting was:

“In other words, if you’re presenting as a woman, you use a women’s restroom, and vice versa, regardless of your physical sex. Any other solution quickly becomes too complex and confusing to administer and enforce. Implementing that solution will, however, require the American public to just “get over” their hang-ups about the sex or gender of the person in the stall next to them.”

Interesting thing happened to me this past weekend, I spoke about it to some of those who were there. I’ve since thought about it quite deeply, as I realized the impact this situation had on me. The following is my personal introspective look at the situation.

I am a 48 year old transman. I’ve been using male bathrooms since my transition. I had never had the occasion to use a “gender neutral” bathroom until last weekend, although I’ve heard of them, thought to myself that this was a viable solution to the “bathroom issue”, and even actively promoted them.

I walked in to a “gender neutral” bathroom at the Transgender Leadership Summit, and a transwoman followed close behind. This particular bathroom was equipped with 3 stalls. I chose one on the end. She chose the one beside me.

Keep in mind that I know this woman both as a friend, and professionally. Now, I happen to be one of those guys that sits down to pee. I’m usually conscious of this when using the men’s room, as are many transmen.

Though it’s none of my freakin’ business, I happened to notice that she sits down to pee too. If I had not seen her come in with me, and she had simply entered after I was already in the stall, I have to admit that I would have mentally noted that 1) she sat down and 2) she had women’s shoes on, therefore, she was the “opposite” gender.

Once we were on our way out of the bathroom, we both commented to each other on the “oddity” of the situation. It was her first time, also, of using a “gender neutral” bathroom.

Socially, we have all become accustomed to either “male” or “female” constrictions with bathroom use. We aren’t at all prepared to mentally wrap our brains around peeing in a public stall next to the “opposite” gender.

Funny, though, we do it in our private lives, with our families, our spouses. Many of us grew up with brothers and sisters, and peeing with the bathroom door open was not uncommon.

At what point did social constrictions take over and dig their way so deeply into our brains,  that we, as trans people, find this becomes an “uncomfortable” situation sharing a bathroom with others like ourselves?

Why was it even a situation for me to create the “mental notes” I spoke of earlier? I’m almost appalled at myself, and am ashamed that I felt that feeling of “oddity” in the situation.

We all went through the same fears, the same uncomfortable-ness when we first began transition and started using the opposite bathroom we’d always used. We all know how “strange” it was to walk into these small public spaces amongst our peers and share the intimacies of peeing next to each other.

We have no idea what’s in the pants or skirt of the person in the stall next to us, despite what gender they present/express.  And who really cares? We’re all in the bathroom for the exact same reason – to eliminate. Period. It’s a normal, human function.

I had to reevaulate and redistribute my own way of thinking and looking at this issue. I realize I had to “get over” my own “social constrictions” that had been built over a lifetime of indoctrination, and realize that we are all “just human”.

Why should I CARE who is peeing next to me? After all, I’m only in there a couple of minutes, it’s not a social situation, and we all have to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that I still believe “gender neutral” bathrooms should become the “norm”.

I also believe, although it will take much time, many years in fact, that educating the general public, as well as the trans community, is something imperative and a “must do” in order to break down these “socially constrictive barriers” to living our lives comfortably and safely.

Social constrictions suck. That’s my take on the matter.

Seize the day!
Michael B.

Update: Just moments after I published this, I read an article on theParliament.com (EU) which could certainly bring up some debates/discussions here in the transgender community, so thought I’d pass it along for those of you who have not read it yet. MEP’s call for ‘gender neutral; guide to be withdrawn

For those of you not on Facebook, I am reposting this here so you’ll know what happened when I went to Hawaii to pick up my boy earlier this month.  Thanks to all of you for the supportive comments on the Facebook note (over 30 comments). If you aren’t my friend on Facebook, be sure to add me (transmanaz@live.com)

You’ll find another update at the bottom of this posting…

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Thursday, March 12, 2009 at 7:30am
Many of you have asked how the rescue of my boy went over the past two days. Sadly, I have to tell you I was unable to bring him home.

For those who haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, you can read my blog to catch up at http://www.GenderBlogs.com/on-becoming-a-parent.

Because my boy has been emotionally (and physically) abused his whole life by a domineering, mentally unhealthy mother, I knew he’d be unable to get on a plane and fly here to Phoenix by himself.

I purchased two tickets, one for me to fly to Hawaii to get him, and one for him to fly back with me the following day. Arrangements were made for him to meet me at a specified location on Tuesday. When I arrived he, he wasn’t there.

When I called his cell phone, his mother answered. My heart dropped, and I knew it was a lost cause. The woman was a smooth talker, anyone who doesn’t know the type of person she is would’ve melted, and fully trusted what she had to say. Having been brought up by a mother just like this woman, I knew better, and it was all I could do to keep my emotions and anger inside while listening to her line of bull.

I had to listen to her tell me her “daughter” was not transgender, was emotionally disturbed, had been raped as a child and was in therapy to deal with the issue, and absolutely was forbidden to speak with me, or leave the island.

I then tried to utilize the services of the Hawaii Police, who spent a good half hour with me explaining there was absolutely nothing they could do to help. The officer did get on the phone and call my boy’s phone number, and of course the mother answered. The officer then asked to speak with my boy, and the mother handed the phone to him. She was standing right there beside him on the other end, however, so there was nothing he could tell the officer except that he was ok and it was his choice to stay in Hawaii.

I flew back home yesterday, and received an email from him. His mother had taken not only his phone, but his laptop and access to email. She had a close friend of hers, who happens to be a therapist, declare him legally “unhealthy” and unable to leave the island. My assumption is, (being that he is 18, an adult, and capable of making his own decisions) that they most likely claimed he had either attempted, or stated his intention of, harming himself. That’s the only explanation I can conceive of that would prevent his departure and legally refrain him from leaving on his own free will.

Now, just over $1100.00 spent on nothing and a day later, I am at home in Phoenix, without my boy. He is stuck on the island, with no way of leaving. No way of transitioning, nor getting any kind of support he needs as the transgender young man he is.

I am at a loss, and emotionally, mentally and financially drained. My heart hurts for this boy, for the potential for this boy, that at the moment looks like he will be unable to achieve.

For those of you who have experienced the abuse of mentally unhealthy parents, I’m sure you know the feeling, and have probably experienced the emotional brainwashing that this type of parent can do to you.

I can only ask for everyone’s prayers in this situation. Pray that he will be able to safely get off the island, and come to a welcoming home where he can safely, and accompanied by love and acceptance from my wife and I and the friends who were here waiting for him, become the man he is meant to be.

Seize the day!
Michael B.

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March 30, 2009 -

Update : Since this all happened, I have been in contact with the young man, and he has since dropped out of high school, due to his mother convincing him it was the right choice. She has also convinced him that he needs to get his GED before he can leave the island. So he is diligently studying, and hopes to take it towards the latter days of April.

He has support from a local young man here in the valley, and they’ve since formed a strong online relationship. With a lot of encouragement and support, my young man is going to attempt to leave the islands in mid-May to come here to Phoenix.

He has the total love and support of my wife and I, as well as everyone in this area who’s been following the progress. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers, that he’ll soon be able to get out from under the brainwashing he’s been subjected to in his life, and learn to live a full, healthy, happy life.

I’ll keep you all updated.

For those of you who read my writings, you’ll find this one is different than others. It’s not insightful, or humorous, or ranting about something or other. It’s simply about a situation I’ve found myself in within the last few months.

You see, I’ve been mentoring a young FtM friend online for several months now. He lives many, many miles away, in a small, unaccepting community. Over time, I’ve become quite “attached” to him. Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love this young man, I don’t let my emotions gush all over the place. I am firm with him, but understanding and supportive. I show him tough love at times, and other times I reach out across the miles and wrap my virtual arms around him when he needs to be held.

He’s not quite 18, and is a very sad situation at home. He lives with his mom, who is, well, let’s just say “mentally unstable”. The circumstances are volatile. His emotional and physical well-being are at risk on a daily basis. He has absolutely no support locally from any transgender men. I’ve looked, others have searched, and if there are FtMs in his location, then they are so stealth they are unfindable. He is totally alone in his trans existence with the blessed exception of the online world.

His birth father has never been a part of his life, and he has mourned this loss for years as well as craved for the existence of a man who he could call “Dad’. Over this time of constant, almost daily correspondence with him through emails, IM’s and his personal online diary that he shared with me, he came to look at me like a father.

And I, my friends, have found a son. A beautiful young man so full of energy and life, but it’s all trapped inside him because he’s not had a safe place to let it out. A boy with honesty, sincerity, and open-mindedness, and one who is so much wiser than his years. Yet again, unable to show these virtues to the world, because he is trapped in this situation called “youth” with a manipulative, unstable mother who has everyone around her wrapped around her proverbial little finger.

I will be bringing my son to live with my wife, Lillian, and I in the next 1-3 months (once he’s 18 and dependent on decisions about school). He’ll have a home, with support and love. He’ll have many wonderful transmen for fellowship and support, as I have been blessed with these men in my life here in Phoenix.

He’ll be finishing school, finding a job, getting medical assistance. He’ll be doing chores, not staying up all hours of the night playing on the computer. He’ll be attending every single FtM meeting, group, and get-together there is here in Phoenix. He’ll be able to begin his physical transition to become seen as the man he and I know that he is. He’ll learn what it is to go to work even when he doesn’t feel like it, and he’ll keep the job even if it sucks, until he’s found an alternative. He’ll learn how to budget, and how to save. He’ll learn what priorities in life are all about.

He’ll “hang out” with another young man I mentor locally, as I’ve introduced them and they correspond online. They are a few months difference in age. They are both just starting out in their journeys to manhood, and have each other to lean on. My local boy is newly on testosterone, and will be able to share the joys of being with someone else just starting out.

Most of all, he’ll learn that he is loved, and that he is a worthwhile person. He’ll learn that he is not responsible for the wrongdoings of others, and be released from the guilt that he’s taken upon himself because of them. He’ll learn that he is not a freak, that he is a beautiful person with much to share and give to others.

I look within myself, and I see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, since I began mentoring these two young men, and corresponding with others like them. I look at my involvement with TransYouth Family Allies, and I see how much I’ve changed. For a man who never wanted children, never spent any time with kids of any age – to having a passion, a fire burning inside, to wanting, no, NEEDING, to support these young men and others who are just beginning their lives in their true genders. To see them have the opportunities and chances that I didn’t have.

I have seen so much of myself in them, so much of the pain of my own youth, and I cannot imagine NOT being there for these kids. They need nothing more than someone to love them, to support them, to give them tough love and to hold them when they cry. They need someone to respect them as a person, as the individual they are, with their own thoughts and feelings and pressures around them. Someone who will be proud of them and say so, instead of laughing in their face, or kicking them out of their home.

I can’t save all the kids in the world, but I can start with these young people who have ventured into my life, and hopefully give them the tools and the means to grow into young adulthood, be happy in and of  themselves, and proud of who they are.

Seize the day!
Michael

Many people upon meeting me, or just discovering that I am a Transman, ask me who I am, and ask me to share more with them about myself.

I have always found this difficult to share. Oh, there are a lot of words to describe the type of person I am, to explain why I do the things I do, to share my own personal experience of being Trans, to share my knowledge and limited wisdom, what my profession was, or where I’ve lived and other personal experiences.

But does what I say about me really describe who I am? I think not. So who am I, really? Who is this man named Michael Eric Brown?

I ponder, and am introspective. I reach into the depths of my being, I push past fears and insecurities. I poke around in the dark corners, and forcefully attempt to pull out the lingering pieces of baggage and toss them into the light, where I can evaluate their weight and necessity. I find it’s time to replace those old bags, and I throw them out.

When I look back inside, what do I see?

I laugh, I cry. I feel pain, I feel happiness. I hope, I dream. I see injustice and bigotry, and I choose to respond with love. I step up from the momentary thoughts and feelings of negativity, choosing peace, rather than contention, within myself. I look around me to nature, to science, to medicine, to God, to humanity, and I choose to accept the Gift of life. I see other’s struggles, I empathize with their pain and I offer my heart to them, in hopes they can see past the temporal and know there is good in life.

In this feeble and fumbling attempt to explain the complexities and the simplicities of me, I find there are really only three words that encompass the sum of me.

I simply am.

Seize the day!
Michael

A blog comment on one of my friend’s blogs came up in my email today that touched upon a subject that completely eludes me as to why a certain discussion occurs within the transgender community. The subject of these discussions is the (apparently) never-ending argument of the differences between the meanings of “transsexual” and “transgender”.

I responded with a comment of my own, and am copying it here in my own blog, so I can further state my own thoughts, since it’s my blog, my opinion, and I own it.

An interesting side note – I have noticed this discussion usually only appears between trans women, and rarely, if ever, is discussed in the men’s groups. I am not certain of the reasons, but the best I can glean from “listening” in to the women’s discussions, is that once many of them have had their GRS/SRS, they all of a sudden feel they are “transsexual”, not “transgender”. They separate themselves from those of us who have not had genital surgery. I see an air of “pride” among these women, as if turning their penis inside out has somehow made them “better” than those of us who have not had surgery.

I don’t see this same dissention among the men. Whether we have had our breasts removed, or a penis created (large or small, either one), or whether we still have to hide our frontal liabilities and stuff a sock down our pants – we are still transgender men. Those of us who have had either top or bottom surgery still consider ourselves transgender men. We are not “better than” those who have not had a surgery. Nor are we any more or less men.

Isn’t this argument of “transgender” vs “transsexual” as dead-end as arguing that there is a difference between being “homosexual” and being “gay” or “lesbian”?

Being the “need to know” type of person I am, I, of course, spent quite a bit of time researching the Internet to find out if there truly was a difference between “transsexual” people and “transgender” people.

Now, the way one transman described it to me, a “transsexual” is one who has had their surgery. A “transgender” person is one who has not had their surgery. Not ready to accept this explanation, I continued my search.

I did find a survey that asked (presumably) the general public, and found an array of what I personally considered mostly humorous answers (See survey HERE).

If one has taken the time to read through the Harry Benjamin SOC, you’ll find that if we are born with a gender identity conflict, we are all transsexual. But how many of us have actually read the entire document? Most of us use the “Find” and look for something specific to hormones or therapy (thereby skipping the remainder of the document) so we can get that treasured “letter” we all need to begin hormone therapy. Of course, now again, this is a “touchy” subject, as many tran people don’t agree with the HBSOC and are fighting to remove it from existence (or at least that’s the way I perceive it). So there are arguments on both sides with this too. But that’s a whole other issue.

I finally arrived on the GLADD organization’s website, on their Transgender Glossary of Terms page.

On this page, they have described each term regarding gender identity. I will leave it to you as readers to decide what your individual interpretations are, but the way I see it – WE ARE ALL TRANS PEOPLE and who gives a flying fig whether the ending is “gender” or “sexual”?

Seize the day!
 Michael

A friend of mine and I have been engaged in an email conversation, which evolved into a discussion about transgender people not being able to easily “blend” into society. My friend is a male to female transgender woman (MTF), and I am pasting here a portion of what she wrote, followed by my own personal thoughts and my response to her:

A black man comes in to the sports bar, and sits down with you and begins a conversation. Without a conscious thought, you begin talking to him. But you see he’s black. You can’t help it, it’s visible. But it doesn’t affect your conversation, your perception, or how you treat him. You don’t think twice about it, you treat him as a human being.

40 years ago, this wouldn’t be the case. Society made it difficult, due to the bigotry and preconceived notions about African American people. Because of people standing up for the rights and equality of blacks, America slowly changed over time, and it’s rarely a concern in someone’s mind now, except for the minority of close-minded, bigoted people who have refused to change their way of thinking. We now have a black President, which couldn’t have happened even 10 or 15 years ago.

We as trans people are now coming to the forefront. We are visible in society. The words “transgender” and “transsexual” are slowly becoming household words, mostly due to the positive media reinforcement and educational shows. But behind the scenes, the ones who educate the media are the advocates and activists – the new MLK’s of the trans world, who are standing up for our rights and for our equality, the right to be seen and treated fairly just as any other human being.

Until some time in the future, we WILL be seen as transgender/transsexual, and people will not only notice, but say something about it, or think something about it. They will be cautious, or afraid, or hateful. Because that’s just the way it is right now, like it or not.

In the meantime, all we can do is walk proudly into the restaurants and the bars and various other places of business, and be prepared to educate those around us. We must acknowledge their fears, and respond with kindness and show them that we are people, human beings, just like them. It is our responsibility (because they’ve made it so) to teach them so they can learn not to judge.

You wrote “Relationships are hard when everyone knows your trans”. I know you are saying that it is difficult to find and begin a relationship, rather than the obvious “relationships are hard”, (because all relationships are hard, no matter what gender identity and sexual orientation one is).

Yes, it’s true that it’s more difficult for trans people to find a loving, accepting partner, simply because we are trans. In generalities, straight men want biological women. Lesbians have their own issues about transgender people, and will rarely fall for a trans woman (although it does happen). For us trans men who like men and identify as gay, we’re unable to find a gay man who wants a relationship with a man who has female genitalia. And so on.

Our difficulties lie not only with the way society views us as trans men and women, but also on the fact that every person has their own sexual identity. We all have preferences as to what genitalia we prefer. We all have an innate desire to have a partner who has commonalities with us, from life experiences to relationship experiences. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with, but there are unmistakable traits and qualities which draw us towards another person, and light that fire in our hearts.

Interracial marriages are becoming more and more common, mostly due to societal acceptance. But this is, and always will be, a minority. Speaking in generalities, most people connect with other people within their same race and nationality. The same is true when it comes to mixing religions, people tend to be attracted to someone who has something in common with them.

As time goes on, and we continue to stand up for our rights and equality, we will become more and more accepted. Some day we will walk into the bar or the church and sit down next to someone, and although the differences may be apparent, neither will give a second thought to it, because it’s no longer an issue. But the “problem” of finding a relationship with someone will always be there, because relationships between trans people and non-trans people will always be a minority. This isn’t a bad thing, it is just something we have to accept and live within the constraints of human preferences.

The only way we are going to change society is to stand up and be proud, and fight for our rights and equality. For each one of us who are doing just that, there are a hundred, or a thousand, who choose to sit back and watch the rest of us, thinking they are going to live stealth and blend into the mainstream, all the while complaining that all they want is the right to not be judged.

Seize the day!
 Michael

[As an afterthought, I realize the last paragraph may sound harsh. It is simply my own opinion, and not directed towards any individual person.  How a person chooses to live their life is their own decision, and I do not judge those who choose to live "stealth". I don't claim to understand the logistics of it, but I accept that it is what it is.]