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Stuck in Loneliness [Trans Universe repost]

webmaster — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:51:47 +0000

Stuck in Loneliness

April 15th, 2009

By Monica F. Helms

(This is the 3rd and final installment in the “Stuck in . . . ” series.)

We all know that loneliness does not limit itself to LGB or T people. This feeling probably strikes 100% of the human population at one time of another, many living in perpetual loneliness for most of their lives. A person can feel lonely because they have no one special in their life who loves them. Others can be lonely in a crowd of people who do love them. A majority of people don’t go out of their way to choose to be lonely, yet some do. But, loneliness goes out of its way to chooses us.

Even though the feeling of loneliness does not differ between LGBT people and straight people, the causes can be different. If we can believe the figures for the number of LGBT people in the population, between 5% and 10%, then that means that there would be far less LGBT people in the world to find your special someone from. Of course, bisexual people have more numbers to choose from, as do straight transgender people. If an LGBT person lives in a rural area, their chances become zero in many cases. However, numbers alone don’t keep people from feeling lonely.

Loneliness in the lesbian community is such a large issue that it generated a joke. When two lesbians fall in love, one quickly rents a U-Haul so they can move in together. It might seem funny, if it didn’t have its basis in reality. For gay men, you’ll find dozens of cruising bars in large cities to accommodate their need to cure loneliness, even if it’s for just one night. Everyone tries to cope the best they can, but loneliness keeps its own time.

I find the Religious Right’s obsession with gay people having sex is such a far fetch and ridiculous notion. I imagine that these people happen to be so sexually repressed and lonely that they can’t stand it when someone else enjoys themselves more than they do. But, the myth of gay people having sex all the time happens to be far different in reality, otherwise the term “bed death” would not have been coined and used in the LGBT community. Bed death happens to couples who have been together for a long time, but have long since stopped having sex. I can tell you from my previous experience as a straight married man, it happens to straight people as much as LGBT people.

In the LGBT community, loneliness causes a higher incident of smoking and drinking, since the “cure” for loneliness is supposed to be found in a bar, or so some think. When a person needs to conquer their loneliness for one night, they might have unprotected sex as the result, which will lead to many other problems. Some have even taken their own lives because of depression from loneliness. I guess with unprotected sex and suicide, we can easily say that loneliness kills.

I want to focus on what causes trans people to become stuck in loneliness. What I have seen and want to address has happened to some trans people, but not all of them. Some have a multitude of reasons to feel lonely. The biggest would be the stigma from society that we are somehow not “real” men or women.

Some straight women and some gay men may not want to date a trans man because he doesn’t have a penis, or at least not a functional one. Some straight men and some lesbians would not want to date a pre-op MtF because they still have a penis. And then, there are some straight men and lesbians who won’t date any transsexual woman, regardless of surgical status, because they still consider them men. The existence of a penis at birth is all that matters to them and the rest of that person’s life or personality doesn’t. One easily sees that when it comes to romance, many trans people can find themselves facing loneliness.

Loneliness comes in other forms for trans people. Being rejected by family members can be devastating to many trans people, but gay, lesbian and bisexual people also face this very same loneliness. I experienced it myself. It took seven and half years to become accepted by all of my family members, but my father had to die before that happened. Yet, I’m one of the lucky ones.

Other forms of rejection can cause loneliness, such as losing long-time friends after starting transition or coming out, which I also experienced. And, losing work friends and have others harass you at work, even though your company allowed you to keep your job. Yep, I had that happen, too. All of these made me feel lonely at one time or another, but I got over it. Sadly, others don’t.

Another cause for loneliness is not seen as loneliness by some trans people. Body dysphoria causes many to avoid intimacy until their body fits their mind. The feeling of an incongruent body becomes a real and viable reason for a trans person to remain alone. Some trans women even refuse to touch their penis, except with a wash cloth. Once they have surgery, for the most part, they become happier and end up with enjoyable love lives.

Other trans people never get over their loneliness, even after all of their surgeries. Some start transition thinking that life would magically become better after surgery, regardless of how many people told them differently. They spend all of their time and effort making sure they reach their goal that they had no time or energy left learning how to socialize in their new gender. I see this more in trans women then trans men.

Some of these trans women never learn the skills socializing as a woman and decide that being lonely is much easier than learning those skills. Some even become bitter and lash out at others, blaming them for their loneliness. Socializing with others takes the edge off of loneliness, but it may not fully remove it. I play in an all-women’s pool league to help take the edge off of my loneliness. It’s the highlight of my week, even if I lose. (But, I don’t like losing.)

Loneliness can be a debilitating feeling that causes depression, isolation and in some cases, death. I feel it is one of the least known human feelings, but one that therapist have spent a lot of time talking about. Loneliness hits every individual for different reasons and at different intensities. However, it can be conquered. Some cases, the “cure” takes a lot of work to overcome. If you are without friends, then an effort has to be made to bring new people in your life. If you just broke up with someone, then go through the grieving process, but keep hope alive. If your family has rejected you, then don’t cut off communications, or you can make a new family with close friends. No matter how loneliness has taken a hold of your heart, its grip can be broken. Time is usually the answer.

For me, I hold out hope that she is out there, waiting to pry the loneliness from my heart. I just know she’s there, waiting to prevent me from being stuck in loneliness.

Wildlife experts ponder gender of Santa’s reindeer

webmaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 13:16:59 +0000

Wildlife experts ponder gender of Santa’s reindeer

By BETSY BLANEY, Associated Press Writer
Betsy Blaney, Associated Press Writer
Fri Dec 19, 5:38 am ET

AP – In this Sunday, Nov. 25, 2007 file photo, the original Santa Claus and Rudolph puppets from the TV special …

LUBBOCK, Texas – There may be a perfectly good reason why Santa doesn’t get lost on his annual Christmas globetrot: His flying reindeer just might be female and don’t mind stopping for directions.

The gender of Rudolph and his or her sleigh-hauling friends — the subject of goofy Internet chatter every year around this time — is now being pondered by renowned wildlife experts at Texas A&M University.

“Santa’s reindeers were really females, most likely,” said Alice Blue-McLendon, a veterinary medicine professor specializing in deer who cites the depictions of Santa’s helpers with antlers as the primary evidence. It turns out reindeer grow antlers regardless of gender, and most bulls typically shed their fuzzy protrusions before Christmas.

But Santa’s sleigh helpers might also be castrated males, known as steers, said Greg Finstad, who manages the Reindeer Research Program at the University of Alaska Fairbanks.

Young steers finish shedding their antlers in February and March, just as non-expecting females do. Bulls generally lose theirs before Christmas, while expectant mothers retain their antlers until calves are birthed in the spring. This allows them to protect food resources through harsh weather and to have enough for developing fetuses, he said.

Sledders most often use steers because they maintain their body condition throughout the winter, he said. Bulls are tuckered out from rutting season when they mate with as many as a dozen females in the months leading up to December. That leaves them depleted and too lean to pull a sleigh or sled through heavy snows, Finstad said.

Many females are pregnant after rutting season, which lasts from summer and into the fall. That would mean long hours of backbreaking work for an expecting Rudolph, as well as Donner, Blitzen, Cupid, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet and Vixen.

“You don’t hook up your pregnant females to a sled,” Finstad said. “That is not good animal husbandry.”

But other aaspects of the Christmas story support the all-girl sleigh team theory, Blue-McLendon said.

For example, would a boy reindeer really sport a shiny red nose that almost glows?

“Females like accessories,” said Blue-McLendon, who in 2003 led the school’s cloning of a white-tailed deer. “I think that fits because females like bling. We like shiny stuff.”

As for the reindeer games, forget the rough antler-smashing stuff. Blue-McLendon suggests a female Rudolph would be more up for “games of wit.”

And as for the name, Rudolph could certainly still work.

“Why not?” Blue-McLendon said. “I know women named Charlie.”

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081219/ap_on_fe_st/rudolph_s_gender

Gender Binary

webmaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:28:17 +0000

The gender binary is the idea that human gender exists in two forms: masculine and feminine. The term also describes the system in which a society divides people into male and female gender roles, gender identities and attributes. Gender role is one aspect of a gender binary. Every known society has used the gender binary to divide and organize people, though the ways this happen differ among societies. A universal aspect of the gender binaries is that women give birth. Gender binaries exist as a means of bringing order. Certain notable religions are often used as authorities for the justification and description. Islam, for example, teaches that mothers are the primary care givers to their children and Catholics believe only males may serve as priests.

Exceptions have widely existed to the gender binary in the form of transgendered people. Besides the biological identification of intersexuals, elements strictly of the opposite sex have been taken by people biologically female and male such as two-spirited Native Americans and hijra of Indians. In the contemporary West, transgendered break the gender binary in the form of genderqueer, drag queens, and drag kings. Transsexuals have a unique place in relation to the gender binary because they transition from one side of the gender binary to the other.

The terms androgyny, intergender, bigender, multigender, third gender, neuter/neutrois/agender, and gender fluid may also be used to describe where one lies on a gender spectrum or in gender spheres outside of the normal binary genders.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_binary

Discrimination: Get Active

webmaster — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:34:39 +0000

By thinkMTV

1. ACT: Educate yourself about discrimination. There are countless ways to get involved. Check out some ways to promote tolerance in your life:

Ideas for Yourself
Ideas for Your Home
Ideas for Your School
Ideas for Your Workplace
Ideas for Your Community

2. SPEAK UP: Discriminatory actions and speech should be exposed and denounced. Speak up when you hear offensive jokes or slurs. Let people know that biased speech is never acceptable.
Using your voice, however, can be difficult and uncomfortable to do. Learn how to speak up no matter what situation you’re in.

Respond to a bigoted comment
10 ways to fight hate
101 Tools for tolerance
Respond to hate at school
Learn the Lingo

3. UNITE: Get involved with the existing groups in your community that promote diversity and fight discrimination. If these groups don’t exist, encourage those around you to form one. Don’t wait for someone else to take action. You and a few friends could be the catalyst for change.

4. BE A LEADER: Work with teachers, principals, politicians and community leaders. Working with the people in charge can be a great way to get more done. Discourage the use of discriminatory ideals and practices. Acknowledge and celebrate the diverse leaders in your community. Invite these leaders to speak to their communities about their experiences with discrimination. Urge and help leaders to promote tolerance, equality, and opportunity.

5. DIG DEEPER: Explore your own prejudices and stereotypes. Where do you fit in? Seek out books with diverse characters and themes. Reading can be a good way to learn about the lives of people whose experiences are much different than your own.

Just by becoming aware of the words we use, we can begin to change the way we think about each other and our differences. Consider the language we use and the power it has to affect the ways we organize our world and each other. The words we choose are often a subconscious way we communicate and perpetuate discrimination.

Learn how we diminish people’s importance by comparing them unequally, even when we don’t realize it. (PDF)By assuming things based on “norms,” we perpetuate stereotypes. (PDF) Observations often carry a positive or negative point of view, even if we think we are getting just the facts. This point of view can have a huge impact on what we think and repeat as truth. (PDF)

Source (copyright): http://think.mtv.com/044FDFFFF0002D79C001A00989991/

Re-imaging as a way of discovering God-within-us

webmaster — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:37:09 +0000

By Dawn SorensenOriginal source HERE

In this world of multi-media and ‘the age of information,’ we can find someone who says something about anything. What I mean is this: if you want to go out and find an article that tells you “God hates shrimp,” you can find it and the supporting evidence to back it up. On the other hand, you can also go out and find and article on why “God loves shrimp,” also with supporting evidence to back that up. You can do this for just about any topic your mind can imagine.

So then, how do we choose? How do we know which ’supporting evidence’ to believe? As GLBT folks, all we have to do is type in ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ or ‘transgender’ into a search engine and we will come up with both good and bad information. It is up to us to filter which information we want to internalize and which information we want to believe.

Say for example that Joe the gay guy chooses to join a listserve that promotes gay “news.” The listserv picks every article from the “Common People Press” with the word “gay” in it. In about two weeks time, Joe becomes depressed and discouraged and starts believing that the world is surely out to get him. Joe knows this is true because it is in his email inbox every day.

Jack on the other hand chooses to join a listserv from “galaxyqueer,” a well-known and respected GLBT website. While Jack gets a lot of the same information that Joe gets, Jack also gets information about GLBT events, like pride marches and political action rallies. Jack knows that there are people in the world who disagree with his beliefs, but Jack also feels supported by his community, he knows that there are people in the world who understand what it means to be gay. Jack knows that if he needs a place to turn, that there will be folks who understand.

The way we understand God is very similar to the way we understand our world. Joe chooses to understand the world through the information he is given by the CPP. Jack chooses to get his information from another source, a source that understands where he is coming from. What is your source of information about God?

We must be intentional when we go searching for God. There is a lot of spiritual violence in our world. Some might even say there is a lot of spiritual terrorism out there. Spiritual violence cuts us deeply, often cuts us to our core. For many GLBT folks, spiritual violence has shaken the foundations of our faith, and has made us question if God even exists. Spiritual violence can lead us to anger, pain and frustration, and can lead us to close the doors of our hearts so that God is unable to come in.

I’ve found that the best place to start searching for God is at the beginning, in Genesis. Genesis 1:26 tells us that God said, “let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness.” (NRSV) If we are made in God’s image, then the first place we should look for God is within ourselves. The second place we should look is in each other.

As GLBT people, we are often led to question the will of God, as well as the fact that we are indeed made in God’s image. This is the spiritual violence that I was speaking of earlier. We question God’s will in coming out, we can question God’s will in our futures, we sometimes even question if God made us the way we are, as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

But today I call us to stretch our minds a little bit further than we may be used to. Think about it for a while, mull it over, try to imagine God in a new way. Try to imagine God as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Try to imagine God as a being who understands what it is like to live in this world as a transgender person. Try to imagine God as one who understands your trials and triumphs as a gay man and yet loves you more than you love yourself. Can you do it?

This is how we find the strength, the courage, the boldness to live our lives to their fullest potential. One of the many revolutionary things about Jesus was that Jesus helped humanity image God as personal. When Jesus called God “Abba,” Jesus called into being a God who was familiar and familial. Jesus called upon a relative, a relation, a daddy whose sole purpose in life was to provide for and take care of his own children.

Panentheism, a big theological word that means “God in everything,” is a way of thinking that literally proposes that God is a part of every thing in this world, and that God is everywhere all the time. If we choose to think along these terms for a while, for an experiment in theological mind-stretching, then that means that God’s image is reflected in everything we see, everything we do, everything we feel.

Have you ever tried to imagine God in your own image? Have you ever believed that God is gay, lesbian, bi, trans, American, Asian, African, Iraqi, Israeli, etc? That God is differently-abled, short, tall, female, male, intersex? All of these things and more all the time?

Are we as humans capable of thinking of God as omnipossibility? Are we capable of imaging God as a God who is all that is? The answer to that for me is yes … and no. I propose that when we think theologically, when we think on the broad spectrum (the forest view, as opposed to the tree view), that we must think of God as omnipossibility – because everyone is different. My ideas about God are not your ideas, are not someone else’s ideas, yada yada yada.

But, when we think experientially, when we think about our own personal struggles and celebrations, (the tree view) we must image God in a way that speaks to us. It is my thought that we can never really get close to God if we always think of God as everything everywhere all the time. How can you hold the chaos of all that is in your heart? I don’t know if you can, but for our lives to be transformed, we must hold God in our hearts. At the same time, we must not deny our neighbor that same gift of holding God in their heart as well. So for me, God is both-and. God is both Omnipossibility and God is up close and personal.

For God to really be in our hearts, we must imagine God as a God who understands our struggles, a God who understands where we are, where we’ve been and where we’re going. This might mean that we have to imagine God as a poor lesbian mother, or God as a cross-dresser who only wears clothes of the other gender in secret. Whatever the image, I would argue that we have to image God for our own selves if God is really going to make any sense to us at all.

Can you envision God as Transgender, or Gay, Lesbian, or Bi? I totally believe that God is Transgender. How could male and female (and everything along the m-f continuum) be made in God’s image if God were only He or if God were only She? God knows us, each of us, inside and out, God knows our gender, God knows everything there is to know about us. I believe that God totally and 100% understands how the binary gender system that humanity has reinforced is a myth, not a reality. Just as TG people have a better insight into what gender means in this world, I believe God has a better insight into what gender means for all of God’s children. All of God’s children definitely includes transgender folks.

Furthermore, I believe that each human being has aspects about them that reflect God’s image in more acute ways than other aspects of their being. For some, it’s their huge hearts and their souls of love. For others, it’s their keen sense of what is spiritually fulfilling and what is spiritually draining. Some people reflect God’s image when they stand up for what is right and publicly denounce what is wrong. Still others reflect God’s image by their quiet, peaceful ways of going about life without ever being recognized for the good they do. I think that transgender folks reflect God’s image by being able to bridge the gap between male and female. Transgender people often embody the best traits of both genders. That’s a real gift, and this is just one way that God reveals to humanity God’s own self-image.

Can you re-image God in a way that reflects your own self-image? If you can imagine God that way, what revelations, if any, does that bring for you? For me, it unlocked the door to my heart so that God could reside there, and in God’s presence, I can live abundantly, in the way that God has called me to live. I hope it can do the same for you!

How to Pass As a Guy and Still Be Scene or Emo (for FTM Teens)

webmaster — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:21:48 +0000

Article from wikiHow

When changing to the gender you want to be, it can someones be hard to keep your own individual style, especially if you are pre-T. Here are a few tips for a female to pass off as a male and still keep their scene/emo style!

Steps

Accept that you will not be able to do a lot of the fashion things other emo guys do.
Pack. A store-bought packer is best, but if you are low on money a sock will work (but if someone gropes you, you’re screwed.)
Get a good binder. You will need something tight enough to thoroughly compress your breasts enough for tight clothing, while still being comfortable. It should also be discreet. Underworks sells some great binders that are discreet and comfortable. Try the ones that are intended for use as outerwear but wear them under the shirt. T-Kingdom also sells good and discreet binders.
Make sure your shirts are not too tight. Even the best binder will show a bit of breasts and you should probably go with moderate to tight fit if you’re an A or a B cup, moderate if you are a C or a D cup, and baggy-ish if you are very large. However, if you are very flat, go with tight.
Hide your breasts. If you are naturally flat or your binder flattens you out perfectly, which it probably won’t, then that’s great. But most of the time, you need to cover it up. Vests and hoodies are great for this.
Make sure your jeans do not feminize you. If you are lucky enough to have slim hips and a flattish butt, you can wear girl jeans and tight jeans. However, if you have a feminine butt or wide hips, you might have to settle for looser pants. One good way to keep it emo is to keep the pelvis area of the pants loose, while tightening the legs. Definitely wear black; it will slim everything out. If you are medium hip-wise, you can probably wear tight jeans as long as they are black. No matter what your hip and butt size are, pinstripes are good because they both slenderize and increase your height. Tear up your jeans, since that’s a more masculine thing.
Lose some weight if you are heavy or moderate. It can help slim your hips and butt out, as well as shrink your breasts. If you are slim, don’t, because excessive thinness will feminize a bit. Make sure to lose weight in a healthy way.
Wear thick rimmed glasses. These will masculinize your face. Pick glasses that suit your face. This is often the opposite of what glasses suit someone who identifies with females. If you have a square or rectangular face, go with round to provide contrast to your angles. If you have a round or oval face, wear rectangular glasses.
Build up muscle. Even though being muscular is not a particularly scene thing, it can really help with passing. While extreme muscles will look strange, a bit of toning really helps. At least try to build up your shoulder since guys generally have broader shoulders.
Be very careful with makeup. If you use it correctly, make up can help you pass. For example, if you have very large eyes, black eyeliner applied to the inside of your lid could make them look smaller. Adding some foundation to your lips could make them less rosy and thus more masculine. Shading in your eyebrows with an eyepencil will make them look thicker and therefore more masculine. Don’t pluck them unless they are extremely thick to the point of being very unnattractive. Skip the mascara, however, since longer eyelashes definitely feminize faces. If your face is masculine or androgynous, you might be able to wear eyeliner normally. Don’t use an elaborate design however, since it’s mostly the emo girls who do that. If you have a somewhat masculine face, you could wear eyeshadow. However, stick with darker colors such as black, gray, and dark red, unless your face is truly masculine, in which you could wear brighter shades of pink and red. Most FTMs can wear nailpolish, as long as it is black. Avoid any make up but foundation and cover up if your face is very feminine.
Wear a more masculine emo hairstyle. Even though long hair is very attractive, it will feminize you, unless you have a masculine face, which you probably don’t. You probably won’t be able to get away with hair that goes past your chin. Styles with spikes can look masculine, since girls don’t normally have them. Very strait hair is also a good idea because curls and waves feminize faces, as well as not being particularly scene. Frullets, hair that is short in the back and long in the front, are both moderately masculine and extremely emo, especially if you spike the back a bit. Shaggy hair can work if you have an masculine face or androgynous face, however it can be a problem if your face is feminine. If you have a very feminine face, you might have to go with a very masculine emo style, such as a fauxhawk or something similar to Pete Wentz. Colorwise, you should probably avoid pink unless your face is very masculine. Additionally, light blonde on it’s own is not a good idea, because it is mostly the scene girls who wear it. However, streaked with black hair, it can look okay. Avoid brown and blonde combinations, as they are also mostly seen on scene girls. Black and red is a good choice, however, because it’s somewhat unusual on emo girls.
Wear clothing that will make you look taller. Pinstripes are good, as well as the color black. Go monocromatic if you are short, since having a shirt a different color than the pants splits the body and shortens it. Platform boots will also make you look taller. You can also try shoes with lifters on the inside. Remember: the taller you look, the less likely people will think you are a girl.
Relax when people mistake you for a girl or can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl. This happens to a lot of guys, especially emo and scene kids. However, it is especially painful for a FTM, since we’ve gone our whole lives being mistaken for girls. Remember: this happens to biological males too.
Wear masculinizing accesories. Anything with spikes looks masculine. Arm warmers and armbands that have horizontal stripes on them are great, because they make your bone structure look bigger. Gauntlets also help make your bonestructure look larger and the spikes look masculine. Belts with interestign buckles draw attention to your crotch, so wear them if you’re packing and don’t if you’re not. Ties are good because most women don’t wear them. They also make a vertical line, thus making you look taller. For the same reason, scarves are great. Fingerless gloves are androgynous and also make you look more scene. Avoid wearing bandanas on your head since they are feminizing. On your neck or on your wrist is fine though.
Choose your piercings carefully. Gauge your ears if you pierce them, unless your face is masculine or androgynous. Don’t wear monroes or belly button piercings unless your face is definitely masculine. Avoid nostril or cheek piercings piercings if your face is feminine. Septum piercings are masculinizing, though very painful. No matter how feminine or masculine your face is, eyebrow and lip piercings are great and will help you look scener, while still not feminizing your face.
Use male body language. Women generally take up less space, while men take up more. Spread your legs apart and if you cross your legs, do it in a square style. Also, cross your arms higher than you usually would, since women cross their arms lower
Avoid stereotypes. Not every FTM is a macho man. FTMs come in as many varieties and levels of masculinity as biological males. There are artsy transmen, intellectual transmen and even effeminate transmen. You don’t have to be strait either; it’s perfectly okay to like men. Sexual orientation and gender orientation are not related. There are plenty of gay and bisexual transsexuals. Be yourself and don’t try to be more masculine just because the media tells you to be.

Tips

Go out in your local town with a few best friends, dressed as a male, tell them what you’re trying to do and to be serious about it, it may be shocking how differently you will be treated as a male!
If you’re brave, try the make-up that the scene/emo males wear, but be careful, it may make you look too feminine.
If wearing any makeup, or girl jeans makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. Transsexual men differ from the other guys because we have spent our lives being treated like girls and are sometimes traumatized from it.
Some very useful links
http://ftm.underworks.com/
http://www.t-kingdom.com/ (the prices look very alarming because they are in Taiwan currency, so use a currency converter)
http://www.mangoproducts.net/ (Warning: contains images of phallic shaped packers)
http://www.ftmguide.org/
http://www.emobucket.com/

Warnings

When compressing your breasts please be careful, you may find your chest tight, and as well as the tight clothes, remember your breasts have to go somewhere. Take all restricting clothes off immediately if you feel breathless. I recommend you NOT to try this if you have breathing difficulties.
Be prepared to deal with bigotry, from gays and straits alike. Transsexual rights have a long way to go.
Never bind with tape or an ace bandage. Those are very dangerous methods and can even lead to death.

How to Respect a Transgender Person

webmaster — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:53:40 +0000

Article from wikiHow

If you have recently learned of a transgender person in your life, you might not understand their identity and you may be unsure of how to act around them without offending or hurting their feelings. The term “transgender person” in this article means a person who does not fully identify with the gender they were assigned with at birth. There are transgender people all over the world (e.g. US, Mexico,^[1] India^[2]) and in a wide variety of cultures (e.g. Native American,^[3] Thai^[4]). For such people, it is not always easy to explain their gender situation in today’s society. Here’s how to understand and respect someone who challenges your ideas about gender, and who does not easily fall within the category of “male” or “female”.

HTML clipboard

Steps

Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgender. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because you mean a lot to them.
Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)
Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don’t use phrases like “when you were a previous gender” or “born a man/woman,” because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense. One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance “Last year”, “When you were a child”, “When you were in high school”, etc. If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say “before you came out as current gender“, or “Before you began transitioning” (if applicable).
Use language appropriate to the person’s gender. Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc. A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc. Other transgender people may prefer that you avoid the use of “gendered” language by using gender neutral pronouns such as ze, zir, sie, hir, etc.^[5] Use the name they ask you to use.
- Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary. From this point on, you do not say “This is my friend Jack, I’ve known him since grade school.” Instead, you say, “This is my friend Mary, I’ve known her since grade school.” Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately. Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary’s wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know.
Don’t be afraid to ask. Many transgender people will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life. Don’t expect the transgender person to be your sole educator. It is your responsibility to inform yourself. Exception: questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you need to know in order to provide medical care, are in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation.
Respect the transgender person’s need for privacy. Do not out them without express permission. Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. “Outing” them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot – or even being harmed. They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
Don’t assume what the person’s experience is. There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed. The idea of being “trapped in a man/woman’s body”, the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others. Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions. Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
Recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do not assume that their gender correlates with their sexuality – it doesn’t. There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual transgender people, just as there are non-transgender people of all orientations. If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use.
Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don’t particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them. After you are well-informed, make sure you’re not going overboard. Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out. Treat them as you would anybody else.

Tips

This condition is known medically as Gender dysphoria, but there is much contention about this issue. Some believe the problem lies in society’s refusal to acknowledge the variations of sex and gender present in nature (including human beings).
Asking about peoples’ genitals and how they have sex is not appropriate, in the same way that asking cisgendered (people born in the sex they identify as) people how they have sex is not appropriate.
It’s rude to ask what their “real” name or birth name was — they consider the name they have chosen to suit their gender (if they have done so) to be their real name, and they want you to think of them that way. Asking about past names only puts them on the spot, and you don’t need to know it.
Everyone is different and most transgender people will be glad to answer any questions – but if they are uncomfortable answering, or don’t want to, then let it go. If you need to know, use the resources below.
Not all transgender people get a sex change (SRS, or Sexual Reassignment Surgery or gender confirmation surgery), so don’t automatically think that is the plan. Don’t assume that it’s appropriate to ask about a person’s plans for surgery, hormones, and so forth, any more than you would pry into someone else’s medical affairs.
If you slip up early on and say “she” or “he” when you meant the other, don’t apologize too much, just follow the mistake with the right term and continue what you were saying.
There is no “cure” for being transgender, except to correct the physical appearance to match the mental gender identity. There is a problem with the body, not the mind.
Websites like PlanetOut or MySpace have transgender groups, or other sections for transgender people; go to them to talk to people or learn more.

Warnings

Be careful when referring to transgenderness as a “choice”. Gender Dysphoria is certainly not a choice by its very definition^[6], but some other categories of transgenderedness are a choice by definition. If you want to respect transgender people, it’s not helpful to treat their situation as a choice if it is not.
Do not compare them to a non-transgender person by calling that person a “real” or “normal” girl/boy. What makes a man a “real” man or a woman a “real” woman is their mind/brain, not their body. A transman is no less a real man and a transwoman is no less a real woman; the only difference is that their body does not match their gender.
Never tell them that people will not understand or love them because they were not born the right gender outside. It hurts very badly, and is not true. Many, if not most, transgender people are understood, accepted and loved.
Even if you have objections to transgenderedness, you should always respect the person and never willfully embarrass them publicly. Embarrassing or humiliating the person does no good for anyone.
Avoid the use of pornography industry phrases like “tranny” and “shemale.” These terms are considered very offensive, as they imply a connection between the person you are talking to and pornography. Also avoid mainstream heteronormative terms like “he-she.”
“Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male, ^[7] While some intersex people are also transgender, the two are not the same and should not be conflated. ^[8]

Sources and Citations

Demonstrating Respect by Chloe Prince

Steps

Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgender. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because you mean a lot to them.
Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)
Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don’t use phrases like “when you were a previous gender” or “born a man/woman,” because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense. One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance “Last year”, “When you were a child”, “When you were in high school”, etc. If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say “before you came out as current gender“, or “Before you began transitioning” (if applicable).
Use language appropriate to the person’s gender. Ask what pronouns the transgender person prefers to have used in reference to them and respect that choice. For example, someone who identifies as a woman may prefer feminine words and pronouns like she, her, actress, waitress, etc. A person who identifies as a man may prefer masculine terms like he, his, etc. Other transgender people may prefer that you avoid the use of “gendered” language by using gender neutral pronouns such as ze, zir, sie, hir, etc.^[5] Use the name they ask you to use.
- Your friend Jack has just come out as a transgender person, and now wishes to be called Mary. From this point on, you do not say “This is my friend Jack, I’ve known him since grade school.” Instead, you say, “This is my friend Mary, I’ve known her since grade school.” Table any awkwardness you feel for another time when you and Mary can talk privately. Definitely, if you want to remain friends, you will need to respect Mary’s wishes and address her as who she is today, not the person you used to know.
Don’t be afraid to ask. Many transgender people will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life. Don’t expect the transgender person to be your sole educator. It is your responsibility to inform yourself. Exception: questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you need to know in order to provide medical care, are in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation.
Respect the transgender person’s need for privacy. Do not out them without express permission. Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. “Outing” them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot – or even being harmed. They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready.
Don’t assume what the person’s experience is. There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed. The idea of being “trapped in a man/woman’s body”, the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others. Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions. Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you.
Recognize the difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do not assume that their gender correlates with their sexuality – it doesn’t. There are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual transgender people, just as there are non-transgender people of all orientations. If the person comes out to you about their sexual orientation, use the terms they use.
Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don’t particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them. After you are well-informed, make sure you’re not going overboard. Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out. Treat them as you would anybody else.

Tips

This condition is known medically as Gender dysphoria, but there is much contention about this issue. Some believe the problem lies in society’s refusal to acknowledge the variations of sex and gender present in nature (including human beings).
Asking about peoples’ genitals and how they have sex is not appropriate, in the same way that asking cisgendered (people born in the sex they identify as) people how they have sex is not appropriate.
It’s rude to ask what their “real” name or birth name was — they consider the name they have chosen to suit their gender (if they have done so) to be their real name, and they want you to think of them that way. Asking about past names only puts them on the spot, and you don’t need to know it.
Everyone is different and most transgender people will be glad to answer any questions – but if they are uncomfortable answering, or don’t want to, then let it go. If you need to know, use the resources below.
Not all transgender people get a sex change (SRS, or Sexual Reassignment Surgery or gender confirmation surgery), so don’t automatically think that is the plan. Don’t assume that it’s appropriate to ask about a person’s plans for surgery, hormones, and so forth, any more than you would pry into someone else’s medical affairs.
If you slip up early on and say “she” or “he” when you meant the other, don’t apologize too much, just follow the mistake with the right term and continue what you were saying.
There is no “cure” for being transgender, except to correct the physical appearance to match the mental gender identity. There is a problem with the body, not the mind.
Websites like PlanetOut or MySpace have transgender groups, or other sections for transgender people; go to them to talk to people or learn more.

Warnings

Be careful when referring to transgenderness as a “choice”. Gender Dysphoria is certainly not a choice by its very definition^[6], but some other categories of transgenderedness are a choice by definition. If you want to respect transgender people, it’s not helpful to treat their situation as a choice if it is not.
Do not compare them to a non-transgender person by calling that person a “real” or “normal” girl/boy. What makes a man a “real” man or a woman a “real” woman is their mind/brain, not their body. A transman is no less a real man and a transwoman is no less a real woman; the only difference is that their body does not match their gender.
Never tell them that people will not understand or love them because they were not born the right gender outside. It hurts very badly, and is not true. Many, if not most, transgender people are understood, accepted and loved.
Even if you have objections to transgenderedness, you should always respect the person and never willfully embarrass them publicly. Embarrassing or humiliating the person does no good for anyone.
Avoid the use of pornography industry phrases like “tranny” and “shemale.” These terms are considered very offensive, as they imply a connection between the person you are talking to and pornography. Also avoid mainstream heteronormative terms like “he-she.”
“Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male, ^[7] While some intersex people are also transgender, the two are not the same and should not be conflated. ^[8]

Sources and Citations

From Lambda: History of the Pink Triangle

webmaster — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:22:30 +0000

Pink Triangle

As most everyone knows, the pink triangle is a symbol taken directly from the Nazi concentration camps. Usually when concentration camps and Nazis are mentioned, most people tend to think of Jews and the Jewish Holocaust (for good reason). But the fact that a large number of homosexual prisoners were in those same camps is an often ignored or overlooked fact of history.

The real story behind the pink triangle begins prior to World War II. Paragraph 175, a clause in German law, prohibited homosexual relations (much like many states in the U.S. today have laws against “crimes of nature”). In 1935, during Hitler’s rise to power, he extended this law to include homosexual kissing, embracing, and even having homosexual fantasies. An estimated 25,000 people were convicted under this law between 1937 and 1939 alone. They were sent to prisons and later concentration camps. Their sentence also included sterilization, most commonly in the form of castration. In 1942, Hitler extended the punishment for homosexuality to death.

Prisoners in Nazi concentration camps were labeled according to their crimes by inverted colored triangles. “Regular” criminals were denoted by a green triangle, political prisoners by red triangles and Jews by two overlapping yellow triangles (to form the Star of David, the most common Jewish symbol). Homosexual prisoners were labels with pink triangles. Gay Jews- the lowest form of prisoner- had overlapping yellow and pink triangles. This system also created a social hierarchy among the prisoners, and it has been reported that the pink triangle prisoners often received the worst workloads and were continually harassed and beaten by both guards and other prisoners.

Although homosexual prisoners were not shipped en mass to the Aushwitz death camps like so many of the Jewish prisoners, there were still large numbers of gay men executed there along with other non-Jewish prisoners. The real tragedy though occurred after the war. When the Allies defeated the Germany and the Nazi Regime, the political and remaining Jewish prisoners were released from the camps (the regular criminals- murderers, rapists, etc.- were not released for obvious reasons). The homosexual prisoners were never released though because Paragraph 175 remained West German law until 1969. So these innocent men watched as their fellow prisoners were set free, but remained prisoners for 24 more years.

In the 1970s, the pink triangle started to be used in conjunction with the gay liberation movement. When people, especially public figures such as law makers, were confronted with such a symbol, they risked being associated with the Nazis if he or she were to attempt to openly limit or prosecute gays. In the 1980s, when the triangle’s popularity truly began to take off, ACT-UP (AIDS Coalition To Unleash Power) adopted the it as their symbol, but turned it upright to suggest an active fight rather than passive resignation. I’ve also been told that some people wear their triangles pointing up if they personally know somebody who has tied of AIDS. In any case, the pink triangle is definitely a symbol very closely connected to oppression and the fight against it, and stands as a vow never to let another Holocaust happen again. Like the word “queer,” it is a symbol of hate which has been reclaimed and now stands for pride.