Apparently January is the 2nd annual National Drag History Month. A month-long event that “salutes the richness of drag culture and pays tribute to the courageous queens & kings who have fought for equality while inspiring, educating & entertaining us all.” Sounds cool right?  But when you click the link you may feel the same disappointment I did in seeing that “drag history month” is nothing but a LOGO ploy for programming (also see excellent blog by Queerty). You may become depressed at the fact that the link itself has the word “franchise” in it. Or you may just be downright confused how there is not one mention of any female-bodied or gender transgressive/genderfuck performers. I guess National Drag History Month is for girls only… or is it for boys only because they are drag queens? Either way, WTF? Do drag kings have no history of doing anything? Not that LOGO would know either way because no actual history is ever talked about in the programming.

It is a common misconception that drag kings and genderfuck performers don’t exist, but we actually do. It isn’t like we aren’t out and about. Now days its hard to hit up a lesbian bar without finding some trace of drag kings or go to a queer space without at least some knowledge somewhere of genderfuck performers. Female bodied gender performers have been gaining speed and spectrum, in the past ten years especially, but still we get thrown to the back of the bar. Why?  I remember when I was first getting into drag and I told my sister about a drag king show. Her response, not knowing any better at the time, was “Drag king? But isn’t the point of drag being flashy with sequins and glitter? Boy clothes are boring.” I responded with a very humble,  “Well… but… I wear sequins too…”

Male bodied gender transgression has always been more visible, either because of guarding masculinity or simply because they are a lot taller. As a result so many female bodied performers have busted their asses with character, choreography, and costume and still never gotten to top the bill when queens are around. Now don’t get me wrong, I have some very dear friends who are queens, drag or otherwise. Some of my favorite performers are drag queens. That said, the constant removal of non-male bodied drag and gender performers from the drag movement, or even the queer movement, is fucking bullshit. Drag queens have long been a trademark representative of visual queerness, not because they are better in any way, but mainly because of the cultural dissonance caused by any male person “giving up” their masculinity for the less than desirable feminine presentation. I’m not saying drag queens haven’t been around the block, fighting the good fight. I’m just saying they weren’t the only ones there. Another element that I feel may contribute to the muffling of drag kings is the stereotyping of female-bodied queerness. it isn’t just straight porn projecting “straight looking” women fucking each other anymore. Shows like the L Word promote a gender-normative, hyper-sexualized female queerness that leaves no room for anything or anyone else. Who decided that genderfucked female bodies weren’t sexy? Homonormative, HRC pumping queer gentrification rears its ugly head again.

x posted MidwestGenderqueer, AmplifyYourVoice.com, TransgroupBlogs,

Doubt and Dysphoria

Dysphoria is a constant in my life at the moment, but so is doubt of my trans status.How can these two things coexist, I ask myself a lot. I think it’s because the dysphoria is a horribly uncomfortable physical sensation but I can never quite identify whether it is a discomfort with having these parts, or a discomfort with the idea of losing them. This sounds stupid, I know I overthink, and over-obsess about all this, and will eventually end up self-destructing because of it. I’m not comfortable with the body I have, I’m not comfortable with the person that I am, but I don’t know how to change it. I feel like I’m wasting my life in this desperate space between happiness and unhappiness, clutching at straws that might help me sort my life out and feeling as if I fail every time, and maybe as if I don’t deserve to be happy.

‘There’s no point sitting here going crazy on your own’

I need to sort out three parts of that

*sitting here

*going crazy

*on my own

*sitting here

I need to find something to do with my life, I need to stop sitting around doing nothing the whole time, I need to stop my life being this wait to transition, because that’s not helpful for me, or for the people around me. There’s two types of depression, the type that’s caused when I sit and mope about things I can’t change, like transition, and the type that’s caused by trying to deal with stuff I can change, or at least stuff I can change my thinking regarding. That’s the type that I can work with and deal with, because even if it’s difficult, there’s a start-point. For now though, I need to find things to do. I have youth group, kayaking, and am preparing for snowboarding, so it’s not all bad…but… it’s not all good either. I need to concentrate more on my college work I think (he says, sitting writing this in a lesson), and do the amount of work I need to do to maintain my grades, because they’re…important and because maybe focussing on them will make everything else a bit more managable, and it’ll find me something else to do.

*going crazy

Something I make a bit of a habit of, apparantly. Michael, who I now just call ‘dad’ and I are working on how I c an reframe situations that would otherwise have upset me, but we haven’t got very far yet, and I think I find that in itself stressful. I feel as if I need to deal better with the ‘crazy’, the ‘head squirrels’ that actually leave me so battered on a day to day level. What are these? The insecurity that makes me believe that I really really don’t matter, and that nobody could want me in any way. The belief that anyone who appears to care wants something from me. The remnants of tiredness left over from my depression that make me believe every time that I get depressed, I should just cut myself and kill myself. The tiny part of me that still believes I’m nothing but a worthless whore, it’s that instinctive twisted thinking that I need to deal with.

*on my own

I’m not alone, I have a wonderful support network really, but most of it is online, and there’s not so much locally accessible support. I think I need to find myself an older brother type transguy in my local area, so here’s a callout for transguys near the Surrey/Hampshire border, UK

Thanks for reading

J

To all the older transitioners who tell me I’m doing what’s right

When I came out to myself as trans, I thought “okay, this makes it easy now. I’m trans, everything makes sense, I’ll go on testosterone, get top surgery, and then be happy”. I was an idealistic sixteen, and hoped that it was that simple. Nothing ever is.

I’m now 17, I call myself Jamie online, and by my birth name offline. I’ve been out to myself for a year, pretty much exactly (give or take about ten days), and I almost wish I hadn’t come out to myself.

I really do see how it can be harder for older transitioners to transition in many circumstances, and especially male-to-female, but I fail sometimes to see how that is easier than living a double life, living a lie to keep the people that you live with happy. My parents  haven’t accepted the idea of me being trans at all well, and I’m choosing to live as a girl until I leave college probably. Every week I have maybe one chance to present male, and then I tear myself apart getting dressed as a girl again, because it’s not me. People who barely know me have figured out I’m a transguy, where my parents call it a phase.

It’s not impossible to just live as a girl, maybe surprisingly it’s quite possible, but it isn’t a life worth living, and I’m going to be looking back on these two and a half years as the wasted years when I could have been getting on with my life, but instead spent them stuck in a rut waiting for a chance to get out. Alternatively I could see them as a place where I could deal with my issues.

Issues, yes. I have a lot of them, trust issues, abuse issues, eating issues (minimal, thanks be) and self harm issues, I could use this two and a half years to deal with those, so that I can start life as a well adjusted young man when I get out, but that doesn’t work, not when I go back into this unhealthy environment. Because it is unhealthy, I’ve gone back to being clinically depressed thanks to all of this. I say I can live with it, I can, so if it’s “transition or die” then I have no right to transition, because I can manage without, but that’s not how it works, I won’t live unless I do that.

There’s a lot more support out there for trans teenagers than there used to be. I’ve got amazing friends, and an amazing mentor, but sometimes it’s not enough, especially when people see me as trans before they see me as male, and I just want to live my life as a guy. It’s hard being young, I know exactly what I want and need, but I’m not allowed to go out there and get it, because I’m too young, so I’m left in this limbo instead.

I’m an intelligent boy, I would be looking at going to one of the best universities in the country if I hadn’t let being trans take over my college work, if I didn’t spend this whole time in a funk about not being able to be who I am, or at least not being able to be him, and have a managable life. I know things would be a lot harder if I forced coming out, I’d probably end up on a friends floor, but I’ve reasoned that that’s not going to work for me, that I’m not someone who could function so dependent on anyone for everything, and that I just have to do my best.

Sometimes, it’s easier just to stop, and think of how lucky I am, that I can live my whole life as a man, but often I can’t even do that.

This is a letter to all those older transitioners who keep telling me that it’s easier transitioning young.

It’s not easy

Jamie

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “Why (or When) did you decide to become a man?” In the beginning, I felt angry when someone asked this. I’ve since realized that they are asking because they have a need to understand, they are asking for education. Turning my initial anger into seeing the opportunity to give a positive response has helped enlighten the minds and hearts of many.

I did not “decide” to become a man. Transgender is not something you wake up one day and think “Gee, I’m tired of being a girl, I want to be a boy from now on”. One cannot “become” transgender, one is born as transgender. Somewhere in the whole scheme of genetics and biology, a female-bodied person comes out of the womb, but in all other aspects, that person is male. Same goes with a male-bodied person, who knows within their hearts, souls and minds that they are not what their bodies are reflecting.

Going further with this, some people are born as “Intersex”, with parts of both male and female organs/anatomy. More often than not, the “choice” of which gender role this child will live is given to the parents, who in many instances make the “wrong” choice. The child is raised in the gender role forced upon him or her, sometimes to the extent of having “corrective” surgeries to reinforce this choice. When the child comes to an age of thinking on their own, many times the forced gender role is not the true gender identity.

The term “transgender person” means a person who does not fully identify with the gender they were assigned with at birth. I was born in a female body, but have never thought of myself (identified as) a “female”. Yes, I lived in a female “role”, since that’s what I was expected to do. But it didn’t happen without its consequences. As a young “girl”, I fought wearing dresses, I hated purses and gloves and patent leather shoes. As I got older, I became shy and embarrased about my body, and tried to hide it by wearing clothing that came up to my chin and down past my ankles. I couldn’t look in a mirror, (ever, for years) because that person looking back at me was NOT me. It was a strange, “ugly” person who I didn’t know.

I played with GI Joes, not Barbie. I had Tonka Toys, and race cars. I made up a name for myself, a boy name, because I couldn’t relate to the female name I was given. When my sister and I played together, we were “John and Julie” (not her real name, but the actual name of our “game”). I was the Man, the Protector, the Strength, the Husband.  I “took care of” Julie. We went on our imagined journeys across the oceans and escaped into our world of fantasy. I put on my dad’s clothes, she put on my mom’s dresses and shoes, and we faced the challenges of our lives as the “married’ couple we thought we were.

Outgrowing this phase of our lives, I went on to live the next twenty-odd years in a non-typical “female” sort of way. I realized early on that I was bisexual, but in order to enjoy women, I found I had been given a  label, I needed to “identify” as a lesbian. I lived in a few “lesbian” relationships over the years, but I was never comfortable with others labeling me “lesbian”.

I was NOT a lesbian. I knew that. I didn’t relate in any way, shape or form to the other lesbians I knew. I was often told through the years (usually in anger or disgust) that I sounded like, and thought like a man. Inside, I jumped for joy, because I KNEW I was a man, but something was dreadfully wrong on the outside.

It wasn’t until I was around 44 years old that I finally heard of the term “transgender”. Looking into it and researching deeper, I realized with an overwhelming sense of awe, excitement, peace, joy and happiness that THIS was my “problem”.  I was simply born with the wrong anatomy, and with the help of science and medicine, I could become outwardly the man I had always been within.

I can look in the mirror now (too often, I’m told) and really SEE myself, I can smile and laugh and be proud of the person I am. There is no longer shame, there’s no anger, sadness, loneliness, despair. There is simply the knowledge that I am a valid human being, my body has been aligned with my mind, and for that, I am grateful.

Being transgender is not a choice. “Transitioning” physically into one’s true gender is a choice. There’s a huge difference, and I’ll talk about that another time.

Seize the day!
 Michael

Someone asked me yesterday if there was anything they should be aware of during the recovery period after chest reconstruction surgery. Besides following all of the post-op instructions that will be given to you, here is what I found to be the most important instruction of all.

 —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  – 

The most important thing during recovery is to have EVERYTHING that you possibly need to get to down at waist-chest level – nothing higher, nothing lower. You will be up doing things within a few days, but your arm motion will be very restricted for a few weeks. Reaching up to get a plate or a can from the upper cupboards is a no-no. Reaching down is also not good. Put everything you need on the counters and kitchen table. Food, plates, coffee, etc. Rearrange the fridge to put the most accessed items at the top level (assuming you have to bend down to get into it, (freezer on top))

You CANNOT lift anything until your doc says it’s ok. I’m sure you’ll THINK you can, you’ll want to – but No. We’re talking 3-4 weeks for sure. If you’re stuck with drains in for a few days, it’s a hassle. Just be careful with them. They are the most annoying part of the whole thing, I think.

Wear easy on/off clothing – no stretching of your arms to get into Tshirts the first days/week or two. Open front shirts are best.

Seize the day!
 Michael

[crossposted from another of my websites) 

RE: pain levels

Seize the day!
 Michael

Laugh all you want, but it’s true, and I have finally figured out WHY after all these years of NOT having this problem.

I first noticed it last year.  Imagine my surprise. 46 years old, and I had never had lint in my belly button. Recently it dawned on me that it’s due to one of the most cherished aspects of taking testosterone – HAIR!

Yes, those darned stomach hairs. I remember being so excited when they first appeared, even more so as they became longer and darker, and it no longer looked like peach fuzz. They looked like real MAN hairs!

I always wondered why many/most of the men I knew through the years had belly button lint. Now I know it’s because most of them have stomach hairs, and of course, the hair traps all sorts of interesting particles and forms this anomaly called “Belly Button Lint”.

Speaking of hairs, how about these facial hairs? Almost every transman I know has a lifelong envy of their dads, their brothers, uncles, male friends and the rite of passage in life known as “shaving”. We pick up a razor and try it out in secret, long before transition, just to “pretend” we have this male priviledge. Some continue this strange, unnecessary ritual for years, for nothing else but to *feel* like the man they know they are. Some do it in hopes that the little bit of peach fuzz might grow out darker next time. It doesn’t, but we keep hoping and shaving.

Then the day comes when we finally start our testosterone. The excitement builds, the anticipation grows almost unbearable as we look in the mirror every day, several times a day, waiting for those first MAN hairs to appear. It drives us crazy. All we can think about is hair!

The day comes, when we wake up and run to the mirror, and there is indeed a new crop of what looks like it might be a bit more than “peach fuzz”. Oh the excitement! We grab the phone, we run to the computer, we wake up our friends who are sleeping in on their day off, and tell them – “I’ve got a mustache! I’ve got a mustache!” or “I’ve got 4 chin hairs!”. We celebrate, we rejoice.

We continue in our excitement, unable to stop talking about all the new facial hair we see each day, each week. We drive our friends utterly crazy to the point that they no longer want to be around us, because all we talk about is HAIR.

Finally, after a few months of having a mustache, even the growth of a geniune beard, we settle down, and begin to seriously look at how we are going to take care of this new addition to our face. Do we shave? Do we want a goatee? Do we just want sideburns, and some “stubble”? Thus begins another few months of deep concentration on our facial hair grooming habits.

Finally, we wake up one day, walk in to the bathroom to shower and shave, and realize that having facial hair is MUCH more work than we really wanted. We LOVE it, don’t get me wrong. But we remember the days when we just walked in, took our shower, dried off, and got dressed, and didn’t have that darned extra step called “Shaving” that we now face for the remainder of our lives. There’s the expense of razors, and shaving cream, and aftershave, and for those with beards, the expense of a trimmer. And the time involved on a daily/several times a week process to keep oneself looking semi-respectable.

OH – and don’t forget the NOSE HAIRS! Wow. Whodathunkit? Facial hair, body hair – all cool But this NOSE hair is really something totally unexpected in the whole scheme of things. I won’t even get into the care and maintenance of nose hairs, I’ll leave it to your imaginations.

Would we change it or do we regret taking T? A vehement “NO”. But trust me, to all of you pre-T guys – shaving’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

But enjoy it – because it’s part of the Male Priviledge, and it’s who we are. 

Seize the day!
 Michael

Article from wikiHow

When changing to the gender you want to be, it can someones be hard to keep your own individual style, especially if you are pre-T. Here are a few tips for a female to pass off as a male and still keep their scene/emo style!

Steps

1. Accept that you will not be able to do a lot of the fashion things other emo guys do.
2. Pack. A store-bought packer is best, but if you are low on money a sock will work (but if someone gropes you, you’re screwed.)
3. Get a good binder. You will need something tight enough to thoroughly compress your breasts enough for tight clothing, while still being comfortable. It should also be discreet. Underworks sells some great binders that are discreet and comfortable. Try the ones that are intended for use as outerwear but wear them under the shirt. T-Kingdom also sells good and discreet binders.
4. Make sure your shirts are not too tight. Even the best binder will show a bit of breasts and you should probably go with moderate to tight fit if you’re an A or a B cup, moderate if you are a C or a D cup, and baggy-ish if you are very large. However, if you are very flat, go with tight.
5. Hide your breasts. If you are naturally flat or your binder flattens you out perfectly, which it probably won’t, then that’s great. But most of the time, you need to cover it up. Vests and hoodies are great for this.
6. Make sure your jeans do not feminize you. If you are lucky enough to have slim hips and a flattish butt, you can wear girl jeans and tight jeans. However, if you have a feminine butt or wide hips, you might have to settle for looser pants. One good way to keep it emo is to keep the pelvis area of the pants loose, while tightening the legs. Definitely wear black; it will slim everything out. If you are medium hip-wise, you can probably wear tight jeans as long as they are black. No matter what your hip and butt size are, pinstripes are good because they both slenderize and increase your height. Tear up your jeans, since that’s a more masculine thing.
7. Lose some weight if you are heavy or moderate. It can help slim your hips and butt out, as well as shrink your breasts. If you are slim, don’t, because excessive thinness will feminize a bit. Make sure to lose weight in a healthy way.
8. Wear thick rimmed glasses. These will masculinize your face. Pick glasses that suit your face. This is often the opposite of what glasses suit someone who identifies with females. If you have a square or rectangular face, go with round to provide contrast to your angles. If you have a round or oval face, wear rectangular glasses.
9. Build up muscle. Even though being muscular is not a particularly scene thing, it can really help with passing. While extreme muscles will look strange, a bit of toning really helps. At least try to build up your shoulder since guys generally have broader shoulders.
10. Be very careful with makeup. If you use it correctly, make up can help you pass. For example, if you have very large eyes, black eyeliner applied to the inside of your lid could make them look smaller. Adding some foundation to your lips could make them less rosy and thus more masculine. Shading in your eyebrows with an eyepencil will make them look thicker and therefore more masculine. Don’t pluck them unless they are extremely thick to the point of being very unnattractive. Skip the mascara, however, since longer eyelashes definitely feminize faces. If your face is masculine or androgynous, you might be able to wear eyeliner normally. Don’t use an elaborate design however, since it’s mostly the emo girls who do that. If you have a somewhat masculine face, you could wear eyeshadow. However, stick with darker colors such as black, gray, and dark red, unless your face is truly masculine, in which you could wear brighter shades of pink and red. Most FTMs can wear nailpolish, as long as it is black. Avoid any make up but foundation and cover up if your face is very feminine.
11. Wear a more masculine emo hairstyle. Even though long hair is very attractive, it will feminize you, unless you have a masculine face, which you probably don’t. You probably won’t be able to get away with hair that goes past your chin. Styles with spikes can look masculine, since girls don’t normally have them. Very strait hair is also a good idea because curls and waves feminize faces, as well as not being particularly scene. Frullets, hair that is short in the back and long in the front, are both moderately masculine and extremely emo, especially if you spike the back a bit. Shaggy hair can work if you have an masculine face or androgynous face, however it can be a problem if your face is feminine. If you have a very feminine face, you might have to go with a very masculine emo style, such as a fauxhawk or something similar to Pete Wentz. Colorwise, you should probably avoid pink unless your face is very masculine. Additionally, light blonde on it’s own is not a good idea, because it is mostly the scene girls who wear it. However, streaked with black hair, it can look okay. Avoid brown and blonde combinations, as they are also mostly seen on scene girls. Black and red is a good choice, however, because it’s somewhat unusual on emo girls.
12. Wear clothing that will make you look taller. Pinstripes are good, as well as the color black. Go monocromatic if you are short, since having a shirt a different color than the pants splits the body and shortens it. Platform boots will also make you look taller. You can also try shoes with lifters on the inside. Remember: the taller you look, the less likely people will think you are a girl.
13. Relax when people mistake you for a girl or can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl. This happens to a lot of guys, especially emo and scene kids. However, it is especially painful for a FTM, since we’ve gone our whole lives being mistaken for girls. Remember: this happens to biological males too.
14. Wear masculinizing accesories. Anything with spikes looks masculine. Arm warmers and armbands that have horizontal stripes on them are great, because they make your bone structure look bigger. Gauntlets also help make your bonestructure look larger and the spikes look masculine. Belts with interestign buckles draw attention to your crotch, so wear them if you’re packing and don’t if you’re not. Ties are good because most women don’t wear them. They also make a vertical line, thus making you look taller. For the same reason, scarves are great. Fingerless gloves are androgynous and also make you look more scene. Avoid wearing bandanas on your head since they are feminizing. On your neck or on your wrist is fine though.
15. Choose your piercings carefully. Gauge your ears if you pierce them, unless your face is masculine or androgynous. Don’t wear monroes or belly button piercings unless your face is definitely masculine. Avoid nostril or cheek piercings piercings if your face is feminine. Septum piercings are masculinizing, though very painful. No matter how feminine or masculine your face is, eyebrow and lip piercings are great and will help you look scener, while still not feminizing your face.
16. Use male body language. Women generally take up less space, while men take up more. Spread your legs apart and if you cross your legs, do it in a square style. Also, cross your arms higher than you usually would, since women cross their arms lower
17. Avoid stereotypes. Not every FTM is a macho man. FTMs come in as many varieties and levels of masculinity as biological males. There are artsy transmen, intellectual transmen and even effeminate transmen. You don’t have to be strait either; it’s perfectly okay to like men. Sexual orientation and gender orientation are not related. There are plenty of gay and bisexual transsexuals. Be yourself and don’t try to be more masculine just because the media tells you to be.

Tips

• Go out in your local town with a few best friends, dressed as a male, tell them what you’re trying to do and to be serious about it, it may be shocking how differently you will be treated as a male!
• If you’re brave, try the make-up that the scene/emo males wear, but be careful, it may make you look too feminine.
• If wearing any makeup, or girl jeans makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. Transsexual men differ from the other guys because we have spent our lives being treated like girls and are sometimes traumatized from it.
• Some very useful links
•   http://ftm.underworks.com/
• http://www.t-kingdom.com/ (the prices look very alarming because they are in Taiwan currency, so use a currency converter)
• http://www.mangoproducts.net/ (Warning: contains images of phallic shaped packers)
•   http://www.ftmguide.org/
•   http://www.emobucket.com/

Warnings

• When compressing your breasts please be careful, you may find your chest tight, and as well as the tight clothes, remember your breasts have to go somewhere. Take all restricting clothes off immediately if you feel breathless. I recommend you NOT to try this if you have breathing difficulties.
• Be prepared to deal with bigotry, from gays and straits alike. Transsexual rights have a long way to go.
• Never bind with tape or an ace bandage. Those are very dangerous methods and can even lead to death.