I’d like to start this off by saying that I’m new at this – not only to genderblogs but to blogging in general. I read blogs, but I’ve never – strangely enough – felt compelled to comment or join the dialogue until finding this blog, which is wonderful. Thanks to all of you who write and participate here. You create a really unique and open space for discussion. Having said that, earlier today I found the website for the National LGBTQ Equality Story Summit, which I hadn’t heard of before, and it’s really neat. If you haven’t heard of it, I recommend taking a look at their site. The stories are really touching, to say the least. And as I listened to one individual speak about gender identity, and about ‘being in between and feeling comfortable there,’ I started to mull this concept over very deeply, even though I have conversations about gender frequently and hear statements of this nature a lot. And I really like when this happens, because there is always learning to be done, and new ways of thinking to discover, especially in such a complex and fluid subject as identity. So I’d like to keep thinking out loud more critically, and hopefully hear your thoughts about, what we mean when we talk about being in between, or in the area outside of, or independent of, the prescribed and narrow male-female gender binary. I doubt there are answers to this, per se, other than people doing what they need to do to feel comfortable and fulfilled – I’m just looking for different perspectives about this. And solely for the purpose of coming to a more dynamic, informed understanding of ‘in between’ that feels right for now.

So, here are the actual statements that spurred my thinking around this (and you can see the video and others at www.nodumbquestions.org).

“I don’t particularly like being a girl, but I’m no more a boy than I am a girl. I don’t like to identify as female or as a woman, but like obviously on forms with bubbles I will, you know, check female because that’s the one that makes the most sense to me. Um, but if I have a choice for – well if it says ‘sex’ I’m pretty comfortable because I know what I am there. But if it says gender, I’m like well I mean I’m somewhere in between, don’t they have an androgynous box? So I came to that conclusion that I’m not trans, I’m not happy with being female, but I don’t think anyone is especially happy with 100% of their gender characteristics. Everyone complains about something…”

I guess what I can’t wrap my mind around is what it really means to feel one way or the other, or in the middle, specifically in terms of gender identity and expression. For example, I don’t understand what it means to ‘feel like a woman,’ or not. I know this can certainly mean different things for different people, and I’m not talking about knowing that your birth sex is not representative of who you are or how you feel inside. But, we are bombarded from before we are even aware of it with societal and cultural prescriptions for sex, and for gender, and the behaviors and roles that supposedly characterize them, and there’s no doubt that those messages get internalized. I was born female, and I identify as a queer woman. I’m very comfortable with my sex. I’m less comfortable, however, with my gender identity and expression and struggle to align them all in a way that feels representative of who I am and how I feel. Whether this has to do with comfort level or my personality, or it’s something more, I don’t know. But considering all of these things together makes me wonder if it’s the societal prescriptions we try to evade in determining where in the universe of gender we belong, or if it is something more inherent in ourselves, or perhaps probably a complex combination of both? I know that I feel comfortable with the parts I was born with, and with my body and how I feel inside of my body. But I don’t know what it is that makes me a woman, or what being a woman feels like or should feel like. Really, there are as many gender identities as there are individuals, and perhaps the problem is in thinking that being a woman should feel like anything in particular. Is there so much emphasis on our gender and sex in our experience that we can’t see or make sense of any part of ourselves without it there?

“Out here we treat the internet like a public BBQ: you might talk a minute to the person eating next to you, even give them your extra fork, but once you go home neither of you don’t vouch for the other as a friend just because you both like BBQ.”

I received an email with the above statement the other day. It was in response to my invitation to connect on Yahoo! Profiles. What I wasn’t aware of when I clicked to request a connection, was that it was to a brand new Yahoo! Group, barely alive for 2 weeks. Now, mind you, this was a Trans-supportive group, for SOFFA’s of transgender men and women. I have corresponded with one of the transman heading the group via messenger a couple of times in the recent past. He’s involved in another Yahoo group I frequent, and a part of a national organization that was founded by a good friend of mine.

“You have never asked to Yahoo Connect with me, [our group], or any of our members, even though our Yahoo IDs have been there for years, but you send an invite to a week old ID. Kinda creepy even when I know who you are.”

I’ve been using Facebook for several months, seeing it as an invaluable networking tool. I have to say that it’s Facebook that has enabled me to get word of our organization out on the Net and into people’s homes. It’s also due to Facebook that I have met so many incredible, awesome people who have become personal friends of mine, and enriched my life in ways I can’t begin to explain. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Prior to Facebook, I used Myspace as a networking tool, although at the time I started with it, it didn’t have all the functionality it has now for networking, which led me to move on to the evolution and extensive capability of Facebook.

I have many “friends” I’ve connected with via both these networking mediums. Some were suggested to me by others, some approached me with a request to be a friend, while others I saw an opportunity to get to know another trans man or woman and maybe be able to offer something to them in the way of support. After all, that’s why I network – I give my time, my energy and my finances to assist and support the trans community in every way I’m conceivably able to give.

Although not new to Yahoo! (groups or mail), I am new to the new Yahoo! Connect feature. Thinking it was another way of adding to my networking abilities, I requested a friend Add from this group. Sometimes I’ve included a short message to someone when requesting “an Add” and other times, I don’t, thinking that they will simply look at my profile (which is visible to Everyone, friend or not, on all websites I belong to) and they will see 1) I am trans, and 2) I run an organization that supports trans individuals.

Rather than be accepted, I received the email, telling me that the owner would have to contact this other person [who has done many good things for the Trans community in his area of the country] before they would consider approving me. It’s his email that contained these sentences about connections I’m referring to in this writing.

“…why are you sending a “personal” Connections invite to our area SOFFAs group organizers? You do not know any of the people at that Yahoo ID, you did not even send a note explaining why there should be any common ground….So it makes perfect since that [the site owner] will not connect with a Trans site owner or a stranger in Arizona without finding out why you sent the invite”

“A stranger in Arizona”? Well, I never thought of it that way. I responded to his rather curt email with a short, but polite email, apologizing for the apparent “intrusion”, but I also included the following in this return email:

“I believe trans organizations need to work together and form alliances with each other, even if only getting together for “BBQs”. I also believe that although technically I’m ”a stranger in AZ”, I’m a transman out there *doing* something for our Trans community. I see it as opening doors to possibilities; instead of running into the brick walls we do in general society.”

He continued in another email after my response:

“Plain and simple, if you do not know someone, have not even sent a simple email of greeting, then you are a stranger. Period. Does not matter if you are Trans, claim to be Trans, or anything else.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was put off by the tone of his emails, and discouraged to find this type of attitude in our own community. Segregation anyone?

“Strangers vs. Friends”. I wonder how many friends we would have if we all had the same attitude, that everyone’s a stranger. I wonder how he proposes one establishes a friendship if one does not initiate the first step in a friendship?

I’m baffled, and somewhat put off by the position this person has taken. I should probably let it roll off my back, but it’s grinding at me, and I needed to share it with all of you and maybe get some feedback on this.

So I leave it to you to let me know – Is online networking “creepy”? Or maybe they just do things differently in the south.

Seize the Day!

Michael B.

Stuck in Loneliness

April 15th, 2009

I find myself needing to comment on the issue of bathroom usage after reading a recent blog post which can be found here: ( When Does “Sex” Matter to Trans People )

I know this may seem like I’m “behind the times” in this issue, but until one has actually experienced a situation, one cannot necessarily make an “informed decision” about how they feel about it.

“…sex segregation of restrooms is largely a matter of social convention, not law”

The conclusion of the bathroom issue down further in the blog posting was:

“In other words, if you’re presenting as a woman, you use a women’s restroom, and vice versa, regardless of your physical sex. Any other solution quickly becomes too complex and confusing to administer and enforce. Implementing that solution will, however, require the American public to just “get over” their hang-ups about the sex or gender of the person in the stall next to them.”

Interesting thing happened to me this past weekend, I spoke about it to some of those who were there. I’ve since thought about it quite deeply, as I realized the impact this situation had on me. The following is my personal introspective look at the situation.

I am a 48 year old transman. I’ve been using male bathrooms since my transition. I had never had the occasion to use a “gender neutral” bathroom until last weekend, although I’ve heard of them, thought to myself that this was a viable solution to the “bathroom issue”, and even actively promoted them.

I walked in to a “gender neutral” bathroom at the Transgender Leadership Summit, and a transwoman followed close behind. This particular bathroom was equipped with 3 stalls. I chose one on the end. She chose the one beside me.

Keep in mind that I know this woman both as a friend, and professionally. Now, I happen to be one of those guys that sits down to pee. I’m usually conscious of this when using the men’s room, as are many transmen.

Though it’s none of my freakin’ business, I happened to notice that she sits down to pee too. If I had not seen her come in with me, and she had simply entered after I was already in the stall, I have to admit that I would have mentally noted that 1) she sat down and 2) she had women’s shoes on, therefore, she was the “opposite” gender.

Once we were on our way out of the bathroom, we both commented to each other on the “oddity” of the situation. It was her first time, also, of using a “gender neutral” bathroom.

Socially, we have all become accustomed to either “male” or “female” constrictions with bathroom use. We aren’t at all prepared to mentally wrap our brains around peeing in a public stall next to the “opposite” gender.

Funny, though, we do it in our private lives, with our families, our spouses. Many of us grew up with brothers and sisters, and peeing with the bathroom door open was not uncommon.

At what point did social constrictions take over and dig their way so deeply into our brains,  that we, as trans people, find this becomes an “uncomfortable” situation sharing a bathroom with others like ourselves?

Why was it even a situation for me to create the “mental notes” I spoke of earlier? I’m almost appalled at myself, and am ashamed that I felt that feeling of “oddity” in the situation.

We all went through the same fears, the same uncomfortable-ness when we first began transition and started using the opposite bathroom we’d always used. We all know how “strange” it was to walk into these small public spaces amongst our peers and share the intimacies of peeing next to each other.

We have no idea what’s in the pants or skirt of the person in the stall next to us, despite what gender they present/express.  And who really cares? We’re all in the bathroom for the exact same reason – to eliminate. Period. It’s a normal, human function.

I had to reevaulate and redistribute my own way of thinking and looking at this issue. I realize I had to “get over” my own “social constrictions” that had been built over a lifetime of indoctrination, and realize that we are all “just human”.

Why should I CARE who is peeing next to me? After all, I’m only in there a couple of minutes, it’s not a social situation, and we all have to do it.

I have come to the conclusion that I still believe “gender neutral” bathrooms should become the “norm”.

I also believe, although it will take much time, many years in fact, that educating the general public, as well as the trans community, is something imperative and a “must do” in order to break down these “socially constrictive barriers” to living our lives comfortably and safely.

Social constrictions suck. That’s my take on the matter.

Seize the day!
Michael B.

Update: Just moments after I published this, I read an article on theParliament.com (EU) which could certainly bring up some debates/discussions here in the transgender community, so thought I’d pass it along for those of you who have not read it yet. MEP’s call for ‘gender neutral; guide to be withdrawn

A blog comment on one of my friend’s blogs came up in my email today that touched upon a subject that completely eludes me as to why a certain discussion occurs within the transgender community. The subject of these discussions is the (apparently) never-ending argument of the differences between the meanings of “transsexual” and “transgender”.

I responded with a comment of my own, and am copying it here in my own blog, so I can further state my own thoughts, since it’s my blog, my opinion, and I own it.

An interesting side note – I have noticed this discussion usually only appears between trans women, and rarely, if ever, is discussed in the men’s groups. I am not certain of the reasons, but the best I can glean from “listening” in to the women’s discussions, is that once many of them have had their GRS/SRS, they all of a sudden feel they are “transsexual”, not “transgender”. They separate themselves from those of us who have not had genital surgery. I see an air of “pride” among these women, as if turning their penis inside out has somehow made them “better” than those of us who have not had surgery.

I don’t see this same dissention among the men. Whether we have had our breasts removed, or a penis created (large or small, either one), or whether we still have to hide our frontal liabilities and stuff a sock down our pants – we are still transgender men. Those of us who have had either top or bottom surgery still consider ourselves transgender men. We are not “better than” those who have not had a surgery. Nor are we any more or less men.

Isn’t this argument of “transgender” vs “transsexual” as dead-end as arguing that there is a difference between being “homosexual” and being “gay” or “lesbian”?

Being the “need to know” type of person I am, I, of course, spent quite a bit of time researching the Internet to find out if there truly was a difference between “transsexual” people and “transgender” people.

Now, the way one transman described it to me, a “transsexual” is one who has had their surgery. A “transgender” person is one who has not had their surgery. Not ready to accept this explanation, I continued my search.

I did find a survey that asked (presumably) the general public, and found an array of what I personally considered mostly humorous answers (See survey HERE).

If one has taken the time to read through the Harry Benjamin SOC, you’ll find that if we are born with a gender identity conflict, we are all transsexual. But how many of us have actually read the entire document? Most of us use the “Find” and look for something specific to hormones or therapy (thereby skipping the remainder of the document) so we can get that treasured “letter” we all need to begin hormone therapy. Of course, now again, this is a “touchy” subject, as many tran people don’t agree with the HBSOC and are fighting to remove it from existence (or at least that’s the way I perceive it). So there are arguments on both sides with this too. But that’s a whole other issue.

I finally arrived on the GLADD organization’s website, on their Transgender Glossary of Terms page.

On this page, they have described each term regarding gender identity. I will leave it to you as readers to decide what your individual interpretations are, but the way I see it – WE ARE ALL TRANS PEOPLE and who gives a flying fig whether the ending is “gender” or “sexual”?

Seize the day!
 Michael

A friend of mine and I have been engaged in an email conversation, which evolved into a discussion about transgender people not being able to easily “blend” into society. My friend is a male to female transgender woman (MTF), and I am pasting here a portion of what she wrote, followed by my own personal thoughts and my response to her:

A black man comes in to the sports bar, and sits down with you and begins a conversation. Without a conscious thought, you begin talking to him. But you see he’s black. You can’t help it, it’s visible. But it doesn’t affect your conversation, your perception, or how you treat him. You don’t think twice about it, you treat him as a human being.

40 years ago, this wouldn’t be the case. Society made it difficult, due to the bigotry and preconceived notions about African American people. Because of people standing up for the rights and equality of blacks, America slowly changed over time, and it’s rarely a concern in someone’s mind now, except for the minority of close-minded, bigoted people who have refused to change their way of thinking. We now have a black President, which couldn’t have happened even 10 or 15 years ago.

We as trans people are now coming to the forefront. We are visible in society. The words “transgender” and “transsexual” are slowly becoming household words, mostly due to the positive media reinforcement and educational shows. But behind the scenes, the ones who educate the media are the advocates and activists – the new MLK’s of the trans world, who are standing up for our rights and for our equality, the right to be seen and treated fairly just as any other human being.

Until some time in the future, we WILL be seen as transgender/transsexual, and people will not only notice, but say something about it, or think something about it. They will be cautious, or afraid, or hateful. Because that’s just the way it is right now, like it or not.

In the meantime, all we can do is walk proudly into the restaurants and the bars and various other places of business, and be prepared to educate those around us. We must acknowledge their fears, and respond with kindness and show them that we are people, human beings, just like them. It is our responsibility (because they’ve made it so) to teach them so they can learn not to judge.

You wrote “Relationships are hard when everyone knows your trans”. I know you are saying that it is difficult to find and begin a relationship, rather than the obvious “relationships are hard”, (because all relationships are hard, no matter what gender identity and sexual orientation one is).

Yes, it’s true that it’s more difficult for trans people to find a loving, accepting partner, simply because we are trans. In generalities, straight men want biological women. Lesbians have their own issues about transgender people, and will rarely fall for a trans woman (although it does happen). For us trans men who like men and identify as gay, we’re unable to find a gay man who wants a relationship with a man who has female genitalia. And so on.

Our difficulties lie not only with the way society views us as trans men and women, but also on the fact that every person has their own sexual identity. We all have preferences as to what genitalia we prefer. We all have an innate desire to have a partner who has commonalities with us, from life experiences to relationship experiences. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with, but there are unmistakable traits and qualities which draw us towards another person, and light that fire in our hearts.

Interracial marriages are becoming more and more common, mostly due to societal acceptance. But this is, and always will be, a minority. Speaking in generalities, most people connect with other people within their same race and nationality. The same is true when it comes to mixing religions, people tend to be attracted to someone who has something in common with them.

As time goes on, and we continue to stand up for our rights and equality, we will become more and more accepted. Some day we will walk into the bar or the church and sit down next to someone, and although the differences may be apparent, neither will give a second thought to it, because it’s no longer an issue. But the “problem” of finding a relationship with someone will always be there, because relationships between trans people and non-trans people will always be a minority. This isn’t a bad thing, it is just something we have to accept and live within the constraints of human preferences.

The only way we are going to change society is to stand up and be proud, and fight for our rights and equality. For each one of us who are doing just that, there are a hundred, or a thousand, who choose to sit back and watch the rest of us, thinking they are going to live stealth and blend into the mainstream, all the while complaining that all they want is the right to not be judged.

Seize the day!
 Michael

[As an afterthought, I realize the last paragraph may sound harsh. It is simply my own opinion, and not directed towards any individual person.  How a person chooses to live their life is their own decision, and I do not judge those who choose to live "stealth". I don't claim to understand the logistics of it, but I accept that it is what it is.]

The gender binary is the idea that human gender exists in two forms: masculine and feminine. The term also describes the system in which a society divides people into male and female gender roles, gender identities and attributes. Gender role is one aspect of a gender binary. Every known society has used the gender binary to divide and organize people, though the ways this happen differ among societies. A universal aspect of the gender binaries is that women give birth. Gender binaries exist as a means of bringing order. Certain notable religions are often used as authorities for the justification and description. Islam, for example, teaches that mothers are the primary care givers to their children and Catholics believe only males may serve as priests.

Exceptions have widely existed to the gender binary in the form of transgendered people. Besides the biological identification of intersexuals, elements strictly of the opposite sex have been taken by people biologically female and male such as two-spirited Native Americans and hijra of Indians. In the contemporary West, transgendered break the gender binary in the form of genderqueer, drag queens, and drag kings. Transsexuals have a unique place in relation to the gender binary because they transition from one side of the gender binary to the other.

The terms androgyny, intergender, bigender, multigender, third gender, neuter/neutrois/agender, and gender fluid may also be used to describe where one lies on a gender spectrum or in gender spheres outside of the normal binary genders.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_binary