How I have felt in my body: A brief history

I come from a place of not feeling comfortable in a female body.

The time that I remember feeling uncomfortable in my own body, I think, started around puberty, when I was developing.  I developed later than most other girls,  but when I finally did, I tried to deny the changes that were occurring in my body (breasts, menstruating).  Before development, I felt like a light, genderless, free human being.  I never looked forward to developing breasts or gaining my period.  According to others, my body would someday change, but I almost did not believe them because I could not imagine it, and it did not appeal to me.  There was something about the “female” body that did not feel like me; I could not imagine looking more like my mother. I could not imagine looking more like my father, but a flat chest, and no blood felt like it would fit me better.

I have felt extremely alone and isolated with my feelings of being born in the “wrong” body especially since being born with male anatomical parts never felt completely right either.  I do not know what I “should have” been born with or as, but what I have, now, does not feel fitting. I do wonder if there is any body that would feel fitting though.

Currently, I do not identify as a transsexual, but I can relate to transsexuals.  I do not identify as anything.  There has not been a term created for people like me yet. There is no term for persons who feel like the body they have is not the body they ought to have been born with, yet they do not have plans to transition their bodies because there is no other body that would help them feel more connected.  No bodies feel right.  I don’t feel like I should have been born with any female or male anatomical parts.

Recently, I have decided to accept my body, all of it even the parts that are not muscular enough to my eye.  In many ways, I have not accepted my body. I have not accepted it has a “female” body, and I have criticized it as not being muscular enough. Over the years, my body, heart, and self-esteem has ached from my constant criticism and hatred.  One night, as I was stretching, I started to caress my body and felt it crying out to me for acceptance.  Tears strung down my cheek as I said, “Self, I accept you”.  Those words had never felt as true as they did in that moment. I felt ready to take a huge leap on the path of self-acceptance.

By no means is this path easy.  I still have feelings of self-hatred, hurt, and anger about being born in a “female” body that come up.  The difference, now, is that I no longer let those feelings control my self-esteem and take me down a long, dark tunnel of alienation and hopelessness. The way I have felt in my body has been my struggle.  I may continue to feel uncomfortable in it for the rest of my life, but I intend to love myself despite.

I call myself “Fluidity” because my gender is fluid. Gender is a performance. I perform. Gender is complicated. I am complicated. Gender is changeable. I am changeable.  ”My genders” or performances reflect my internal feelings about my body in the sense that they are complex and in a constant state of change or at least trying to change. Gender, as a construct, has defined my body as “female” and me as a “woman”, which I have resented in many ways.  I resent those who label me without my consent.  But, despite being labeled, the feelings about my body have still remained. Gender has been constructed from bodies although gender is fiction and bodies are real. This is a blog about gender as a construct, a performance, and how it is connected to bodies.