Society and the Realities of “Blending in”

A friend of mine and I have been engaged in an email conversation, which evolved into a discussion about transgender people not being able to easily “blend” into society. My friend is a male to female transgender woman (MTF), and I am pasting here a portion of what she wrote, followed by my own personal thoughts and my response to her:

A black man comes in to the sports bar, and sits down with you and begins a conversation. Without a conscious thought, you begin talking to him. But you see he’s black. You can’t help it, it’s visible. But it doesn’t affect your conversation, your perception, or how you treat him. You don’t think twice about it, you treat him as a human being.

40 years ago, this wouldn’t be the case. Society made it difficult, due to the bigotry and preconceived notions about African American people. Because of people standing up for the rights and equality of blacks, America slowly changed over time, and it’s rarely a concern in someone’s mind now, except for the minority of close-minded, bigoted people who have refused to change their way of thinking. We now have a black President, which couldn’t have happened even 10 or 15 years ago.

We as trans people are now coming to the forefront. We are visible in society. The words “transgender” and “transsexual” are slowly becoming household words, mostly due to the positive media reinforcement and educational shows. But behind the scenes, the ones who educate the media are the advocates and activists – the new MLK’s of the trans world, who are standing up for our rights and for our equality, the right to be seen and treated fairly just as any other human being.

Until some time in the future, we WILL be seen as transgender/transsexual, and people will not only notice, but say something about it, or think something about it. They will be cautious, or afraid, or hateful. Because that’s just the way it is right now, like it or not.

In the meantime, all we can do is walk proudly into the restaurants and the bars and various other places of business, and be prepared to educate those around us. We must acknowledge their fears, and respond with kindness and show them that we are people, human beings, just like them. It is our responsibility (because they’ve made it so) to teach them so they can learn not to judge.

You wrote “Relationships are hard when everyone knows your trans”. I know you are saying that it is difficult to find and begin a relationship, rather than the obvious “relationships are hard”, (because all relationships are hard, no matter what gender identity and sexual orientation one is).

Yes, it’s true that it’s more difficult for trans people to find a loving, accepting partner, simply because we are trans. In generalities, straight men want biological women. Lesbians have their own issues about transgender people, and will rarely fall for a trans woman (although it does happen). For us trans men who like men and identify as gay, we’re unable to find a gay man who wants a relationship with a man who has female genitalia. And so on.

Our difficulties lie not only with the way society views us as trans men and women, but also on the fact that every person has their own sexual identity. We all have preferences as to what genitalia we prefer. We all have an innate desire to have a partner who has commonalities with us, from life experiences to relationship experiences. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with, but there are unmistakable traits and qualities which draw us towards another person, and light that fire in our hearts.

Interracial marriages are becoming more and more common, mostly due to societal acceptance. But this is, and always will be, a minority. Speaking in generalities, most people connect with other people within their same race and nationality. The same is true when it comes to mixing religions, people tend to be attracted to someone who has something in common with them.

As time goes on, and we continue to stand up for our rights and equality, we will become more and more accepted. Some day we will walk into the bar or the church and sit down next to someone, and although the differences may be apparent, neither will give a second thought to it, because it’s no longer an issue. But the “problem” of finding a relationship with someone will always be there, because relationships between trans people and non-trans people will always be a minority. This isn’t a bad thing, it is just something we have to accept and live within the constraints of human preferences.

The only way we are going to change society is to stand up and be proud, and fight for our rights and equality. For each one of us who are doing just that, there are a hundred, or a thousand, who choose to sit back and watch the rest of us, thinking they are going to live stealth and blend into the mainstream, all the while complaining that all they want is the right to not be judged.

Seize the day!
 Michael

[As an afterthought, I realize the last paragraph may sound harsh. It is simply my own opinion, and not directed towards any individual person.  How a person chooses to live their life is their own decision, and I do not judge those who choose to live "stealth". I don't claim to understand the logistics of it, but I accept that it is what it is.]