This idea was sparked off by Kiunna’s wonderful post on “I think trannies worry far too much about passing”.

What is ‘passing’ in a trans* context? I’m trying to work this out for myself. Or, more, I know what it is (being read as the gender you identify as) but I can see two rather distinct problems with it:
*What if you identify as non-binary? People don’t typically think “ah, they’re an androgyne” and address you with the title Mx, or at least, not where I live.
*How do you know when you are passing? It can be pretty obvious, ie if you’re called “sir” or “ma-am” in a shop, but as a transguy I get paranoid that I’m not passing if someone holds a door open for me. It seems to be pretty hard to identify whether you’re being read as male or female most of the time, unless people are helpful enough to tell you. I was about to write how much I wished that English had more gendered words, had three genders, male, female, neuter, but then I thought about my pesky French lessons, and how hard I find it knowing whether I want to use the female ending or the male ending. I’ll argue that there are indeed some advantages to a language where you know instantly if you’re being read as male or female, but I think those might be outweighed by the awkwardnesses.

Sometimes I feel tempted to get or make a t-shirt saying “I’m a goddamn boy” so that at least people can see and know, but that would bring its own issues, that starting to pass has certainly brought – parents. I’m officially out to them, but I’m living as if in the closet due to their reactions, and it’s getting rather awkward when I pass maybe 40% of the time.

It’s also hard to know sometimes how to pass, or what I need to do. Growing a beard might be one way of quickly and easily managing it, but that takes testosterone, and I’m rather short on that in my system. Maybe asking people that know me would help. Since I had a new haircut (a mohawk) I pass rather better, but I think that’s more down to me walking a lot more confidently, and seeming a lot more self-assured, because I have a haircut that screams “look, see?!” and I need to seem vaguely confident to pull it off.

I’m finding this whole being pre-everything lark quite depressing honestly. A lot of my total body-hate has come flooding back recently, even with a wonderful boyfriend that does succeed in making me feel attractive, and I’ve needed a lot of support from him, and from Michael (who I now call ‘dad’). Self-medication was a consideration, but it’s not something I’m going to do at the moment, although I’ll keep it in reserve as an option, I just find that it’s hard to keep going in the same old patterns of being read as female. I’m hoping to re-enroll as male in college next year, as James, but that depends on my parents. When will my life even be my life? I don’t know. Maybe I need to work more on passing, maybe passing instead of failing would help me more.

Thing is, I don’t have any real confidence deep down, and maybe that’s what stops me passing, that I’m too shy, or that I might walk like a girl, or my height, or my voice, or my face shape. Or maybe Kiunna’s right, and us trannies do worry too much about passing

Being “stealth” means very different things to different people. You get some people who choose to be stealth, and see the bounds of that as telling their partner, but nobody else, whereas other people can see being stealth as not wearing the transgender logo on every single item of clothing, or maybe not shouting it from the rooftops. There is quite a noticeable divide in the trans* community between people who think being stealth is a good idea, and what should be aimed for, by any self-respecting trans person, and people who consider it cowardice, and denying ones heritage. I’m not out fully, but in areas where I present male, I’m typically not stealth, but more about that later.

I think that the trans* community is one that’s open to divides occuring (I’ve got another blog planned regarding those divides), but I think this one is an odd one.

From a stealth perspective, looking at people who are not stealth

• They aren’t assimilating, they are displaying their trans* status, therefore they are not proper men/women (the assumption that goes along with this is that to be a “real” man or woman, one should wish to hide the fact that one might have a different biological make-up to others)
• They make it harder for the rest of us to pass, because people are more aware of trans* people (on the other hand, they raise awareness, which helps when people want information or understanding, and surely people transition to be themselves anyway, not to help or hinder others passing)
• They just want the attention of being different (it seems a rather risky sort of attention to crave)

From the perspective of people who are not stealth, looking at people who are stealth

• They are ashamed of being trans*, and are hiding (choosing to protect oneself by not disclosing ones biological make-up and chromasomes does not equal being ashamed of it)
• They are doing nothing to help the next generation of trans* people (transitioning carries no obligation to help other trans* people)
• They are making things harder for themselves by not accepting that there is a difference between them and cispeople (to a lot of people genitals are irrelevant, so it might seem as if, on a day to day basis, there really is no difference between a trans* person and a cis person)

I’ve seen all those points made, from people who I had always tended to think were considered and rational, and it feels like in taking sides in this debate, people are ignoring the basic fact, that you transition because you need to for yourself. Transitioning is a basic selfish act, and that there is nobody who has the right to tell you to hide it or exploit it, any more than anyone else has the right to tell you to transition, or not to transition.

The reason I came to write this blog was because everywhere online that I interact as James Alexander Casimir Greyson, as a man, I internact as a transman. Or, should I say, everywhere except one place, where my boyfriend introduced me to his cisguy friend as male, not seeing the need to mention what was in my pants. However, we progressed to swapping photos of ourselves in varying levels of dress (or lack thereof) and I was shocked, astounded, surprised that the cisguy friend never stopped to realise that I wasn’t a cisguy, and hence that he’d seen me in boxers alone, and still seen me as male, not as trans*, but as male. (He hasn’t figured out that I’m a transguy yet even). This is my first experience at being stealth, and I’m not sure I like it, for myself it feels uncomfortably decietful, that he doesn’t know.

Does there honestly need to be a divide between people who choose to leave their trans* identity behind them, and people who don’t? I’ve seen some people who pass amazingly, and choose still to be relatively stealth, and I’ve seen people who are totally stealth do activism, and successfully. The community seems almost, as a whole, to seek out petty divides within itself, and cause argument for the sake of causing argument, for the sake of showing that everyone who is not identical to themselves is weird.

I will never be a “normal” man. I will never have a “normal” penis. I will never have XY chromasomes, I will never have had primary male socialization. What a lucky guy I am, I’ve got to grow up experiencing female socialisation, I get to have XX chromasomes, I’m lucky enough to have a sensate chest, to be able to bear children, and maybe I need to remember these benefits, rather than considering whether I’ll display or hide my differences. They’re still a part of me, whether I accept or reject them.

A friend of mine and I have been engaged in an email conversation, which evolved into a discussion about transgender people not being able to easily “blend” into society. My friend is a male to female transgender woman (MTF), and I am pasting here a portion of what she wrote, followed by my own personal thoughts and my response to her:

A black man comes in to the sports bar, and sits down with you and begins a conversation. Without a conscious thought, you begin talking to him. But you see he’s black. You can’t help it, it’s visible. But it doesn’t affect your conversation, your perception, or how you treat him. You don’t think twice about it, you treat him as a human being.

40 years ago, this wouldn’t be the case. Society made it difficult, due to the bigotry and preconceived notions about African American people. Because of people standing up for the rights and equality of blacks, America slowly changed over time, and it’s rarely a concern in someone’s mind now, except for the minority of close-minded, bigoted people who have refused to change their way of thinking. We now have a black President, which couldn’t have happened even 10 or 15 years ago.

We as trans people are now coming to the forefront. We are visible in society. The words “transgender” and “transsexual” are slowly becoming household words, mostly due to the positive media reinforcement and educational shows. But behind the scenes, the ones who educate the media are the advocates and activists – the new MLK’s of the trans world, who are standing up for our rights and for our equality, the right to be seen and treated fairly just as any other human being.

Until some time in the future, we WILL be seen as transgender/transsexual, and people will not only notice, but say something about it, or think something about it. They will be cautious, or afraid, or hateful. Because that’s just the way it is right now, like it or not.

In the meantime, all we can do is walk proudly into the restaurants and the bars and various other places of business, and be prepared to educate those around us. We must acknowledge their fears, and respond with kindness and show them that we are people, human beings, just like them. It is our responsibility (because they’ve made it so) to teach them so they can learn not to judge.

You wrote “Relationships are hard when everyone knows your trans”. I know you are saying that it is difficult to find and begin a relationship, rather than the obvious “relationships are hard”, (because all relationships are hard, no matter what gender identity and sexual orientation one is).

Yes, it’s true that it’s more difficult for trans people to find a loving, accepting partner, simply because we are trans. In generalities, straight men want biological women. Lesbians have their own issues about transgender people, and will rarely fall for a trans woman (although it does happen). For us trans men who like men and identify as gay, we’re unable to find a gay man who wants a relationship with a man who has female genitalia. And so on.

Our difficulties lie not only with the way society views us as trans men and women, but also on the fact that every person has their own sexual identity. We all have preferences as to what genitalia we prefer. We all have an innate desire to have a partner who has commonalities with us, from life experiences to relationship experiences. We don’t always choose who we fall in love with, but there are unmistakable traits and qualities which draw us towards another person, and light that fire in our hearts.

Interracial marriages are becoming more and more common, mostly due to societal acceptance. But this is, and always will be, a minority. Speaking in generalities, most people connect with other people within their same race and nationality. The same is true when it comes to mixing religions, people tend to be attracted to someone who has something in common with them.

As time goes on, and we continue to stand up for our rights and equality, we will become more and more accepted. Some day we will walk into the bar or the church and sit down next to someone, and although the differences may be apparent, neither will give a second thought to it, because it’s no longer an issue. But the “problem” of finding a relationship with someone will always be there, because relationships between trans people and non-trans people will always be a minority. This isn’t a bad thing, it is just something we have to accept and live within the constraints of human preferences.

The only way we are going to change society is to stand up and be proud, and fight for our rights and equality. For each one of us who are doing just that, there are a hundred, or a thousand, who choose to sit back and watch the rest of us, thinking they are going to live stealth and blend into the mainstream, all the while complaining that all they want is the right to not be judged.

Seize the day!
 Michael

[As an afterthought, I realize the last paragraph may sound harsh. It is simply my own opinion, and not directed towards any individual person.  How a person chooses to live their life is their own decision, and I do not judge those who choose to live "stealth". I don't claim to understand the logistics of it, but I accept that it is what it is.]