“Out here we treat the internet like a public BBQ: you might talk a minute to the person eating next to you, even give them your extra fork, but once you go home neither of you don’t vouch for the other as a friend just because you both like BBQ.”

I received an email with the above statement the other day. It was in response to my invitation to connect on Yahoo! Profiles. What I wasn’t aware of when I clicked to request a connection, was that it was to a brand new Yahoo! Group, barely alive for 2 weeks. Now, mind you, this was a Trans-supportive group, for SOFFA’s of transgender men and women. I have corresponded with one of the transman heading the group via messenger a couple of times in the recent past. He’s involved in another Yahoo group I frequent, and a part of a national organization that was founded by a good friend of mine.

“You have never asked to Yahoo Connect with me, [our group], or any of our members, even though our Yahoo IDs have been there for years, but you send an invite to a week old ID. Kinda creepy even when I know who you are.”

I’ve been using Facebook for several months, seeing it as an invaluable networking tool. I have to say that it’s Facebook that has enabled me to get word of our organization out on the Net and into people’s homes. It’s also due to Facebook that I have met so many incredible, awesome people who have become personal friends of mine, and enriched my life in ways I can’t begin to explain. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Prior to Facebook, I used Myspace as a networking tool, although at the time I started with it, it didn’t have all the functionality it has now for networking, which led me to move on to the evolution and extensive capability of Facebook.

I have many “friends” I’ve connected with via both these networking mediums. Some were suggested to me by others, some approached me with a request to be a friend, while others I saw an opportunity to get to know another trans man or woman and maybe be able to offer something to them in the way of support. After all, that’s why I network – I give my time, my energy and my finances to assist and support the trans community in every way I’m conceivably able to give.

Although not new to Yahoo! (groups or mail), I am new to the new Yahoo! Connect feature. Thinking it was another way of adding to my networking abilities, I requested a friend Add from this group. Sometimes I’ve included a short message to someone when requesting “an Add” and other times, I don’t, thinking that they will simply look at my profile (which is visible to Everyone, friend or not, on all websites I belong to) and they will see 1) I am trans, and 2) I run an organization that supports trans individuals.

Rather than be accepted, I received the email, telling me that the owner would have to contact this other person [who has done many good things for the Trans community in his area of the country] before they would consider approving me. It’s his email that contained these sentences about connections I’m referring to in this writing.

“…why are you sending a “personal” Connections invite to our area SOFFAs group organizers? You do not know any of the people at that Yahoo ID, you did not even send a note explaining why there should be any common ground….So it makes perfect since that [the site owner] will not connect with a Trans site owner or a stranger in Arizona without finding out why you sent the invite”

“A stranger in Arizona”? Well, I never thought of it that way. I responded to his rather curt email with a short, but polite email, apologizing for the apparent “intrusion”, but I also included the following in this return email:

“I believe trans organizations need to work together and form alliances with each other, even if only getting together for “BBQs”. I also believe that although technically I’m ”a stranger in AZ”, I’m a transman out there *doing* something for our Trans community. I see it as opening doors to possibilities; instead of running into the brick walls we do in general society.”

He continued in another email after my response:

“Plain and simple, if you do not know someone, have not even sent a simple email of greeting, then you are a stranger. Period. Does not matter if you are Trans, claim to be Trans, or anything else.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was put off by the tone of his emails, and discouraged to find this type of attitude in our own community. Segregation anyone?

“Strangers vs. Friends”. I wonder how many friends we would have if we all had the same attitude, that everyone’s a stranger. I wonder how he proposes one establishes a friendship if one does not initiate the first step in a friendship?

I’m baffled, and somewhat put off by the position this person has taken. I should probably let it roll off my back, but it’s grinding at me, and I needed to share it with all of you and maybe get some feedback on this.

So I leave it to you to let me know – Is online networking “creepy”? Or maybe they just do things differently in the south.

Seize the Day!

Michael B.