This idea was sparked off by Kiunna’s wonderful post on “I think trannies worry far too much about passing”.
What is ‘passing’ in a trans* context? I’m trying to work this out for myself. Or, more, I know what it is (being read as the gender you identify as) but I can see two rather distinct problems with it:
*What if you identify as non-binary? People don’t typically think “ah, they’re an androgyne” and address you with the title Mx, or at least, not where I live.
*How do you know when you are passing? It can be pretty obvious, ie if you’re called “sir” or “ma-am” in a shop, but as a transguy I get paranoid that I’m not passing if someone holds a door open for me. It seems to be pretty hard to identify whether you’re being read as male or female most of the time, unless people are helpful enough to tell you. I was about to write how much I wished that English had more gendered words, had three genders, male, female, neuter, but then I thought about my pesky French lessons, and how hard I find it knowing whether I want to use the female ending or the male ending. I’ll argue that there are indeed some advantages to a language where you know instantly if you’re being read as male or female, but I think those might be outweighed by the awkwardnesses.
Sometimes I feel tempted to get or make a t-shirt saying “I’m a goddamn boy” so that at least people can see and know, but that would bring its own issues, that starting to pass has certainly brought – parents. I’m officially out to them, but I’m living as if in the closet due to their reactions, and it’s getting rather awkward when I pass maybe 40% of the time.
It’s also hard to know sometimes how to pass, or what I need to do. Growing a beard might be one way of quickly and easily managing it, but that takes testosterone, and I’m rather short on that in my system. Maybe asking people that know me would help. Since I had a new haircut (a mohawk) I pass rather better, but I think that’s more down to me walking a lot more confidently, and seeming a lot more self-assured, because I have a haircut that screams “look, see?!” and I need to seem vaguely confident to pull it off.
I’m finding this whole being pre-everything lark quite depressing honestly. A lot of my total body-hate has come flooding back recently, even with a wonderful boyfriend that does succeed in making me feel attractive, and I’ve needed a lot of support from him, and from Michael (who I now call ‘dad’). Self-medication was a consideration, but it’s not something I’m going to do at the moment, although I’ll keep it in reserve as an option, I just find that it’s hard to keep going in the same old patterns of being read as female. I’m hoping to re-enroll as male in college next year, as James, but that depends on my parents. When will my life even be my life? I don’t know. Maybe I need to work more on passing, maybe passing instead of failing would help me more.
Thing is, I don’t have any real confidence deep down, and maybe that’s what stops me passing, that I’m too shy, or that I might walk like a girl, or my height, or my voice, or my face shape. Or maybe Kiunna’s right, and us trannies do worry too much about passing 
One day, long ago I had a revelation. The people that I was so worried about ‘clocking me’, I would never see again for the rest of my life. They were strangers. So what did I care if they clocked me or not? Unless they were friends or family, I just stopped worrying about passing that day and I haven’t looked back. It was much easier than I thought it would be and made my life a lot easier to deal with.
On another aspect of your post. I really don’t like the word tranny. I guess it just makes me feel like when we’re called that we’re somehow belittling the struggle that each and every one of us has had to or will face. It seems like a diminutive word. It’s such a huge thing that we do in transitioning. Tranny doesn’t seem to cut it. But that’s me.
Of course, you can use any word you like to describe yourself. Just thought I’d state an opinion.
That sounds like a really powerful revelation to have had, but I guess, I’m not at that point yet. I suppose everyone reaches it in their own time, and in their own way.
I use the word tranny very carefully, and consider it a lot. I use it when referring to myself, or very very occasionally friends that have indicated that they’re comfortable with me using it in reference to them. I use it because I want to reclaim it as a part of my identity “trannyfag” and because I want to be able to use it, to bring some humour into the process. I understand your point of view though, and I wouldn’t use it except to bring humour into a serious discussion.
You have the amazing talent of quite regularly being very right, and indeed very spot-on!
It’s not my business at all, but I guess it affects me because I care so much about passing, I think I need to care less
In Alcoholics Anonymous (of which I’m a member), we have a saying that says, “What other people think about you is none of your business.”
We have no control of what other people think. We may have some influence, but never control. Peace of mind comes from letting go of what other people are thinking. This includes other people’s perceptions of our gender.
If someone uses the wrong pronoun, politely correct them. If they persist, remind them that they wouldn’t like it if you disrespected them. If it really becomes a problem, avoid them or take other appropriate action.
Sometimes we just have to get out of our own head and smile.