I find myself needing to comment on the issue of bathroom usage after reading a recent blog post which can be found here: ( When Does “Sex” Matter to Trans People )
I know this may seem like I’m “behind the times” in this issue, but until one has actually experienced a situation, one cannot necessarily make an “informed decision” about how they feel about it.
“…sex segregation of restrooms is largely a matter of social convention, not law”
The conclusion of the bathroom issue down further in the blog posting was:
“In other words, if you’re presenting as a woman, you use a women’s restroom, and vice versa, regardless of your physical sex. Any other solution quickly becomes too complex and confusing to administer and enforce. Implementing that solution will, however, require the American public to just “get over” their hang-ups about the sex or gender of the person in the stall next to them.”
Interesting thing happened to me this past weekend, I spoke about it to some of those who were there. I’ve since thought about it quite deeply, as I realized the impact this situation had on me. The following is my personal introspective look at the situation.
I am a 48 year old transman. I’ve been using male bathrooms since my transition. I had never had the occasion to use a “gender neutral” bathroom until last weekend, although I’ve heard of them, thought to myself that this was a viable solution to the “bathroom issue”, and even actively promoted them.
I walked in to a “gender neutral” bathroom at the Transgender Leadership Summit, and a transwoman followed close behind. This particular bathroom was equipped with 3 stalls. I chose one on the end. She chose the one beside me.
Keep in mind that I know this woman both as a friend, and professionally. Now, I happen to be one of those guys that sits down to pee. I’m usually conscious of this when using the men’s room, as are many transmen.
Though it’s none of my freakin’ business, I happened to notice that she sits down to pee too. If I had not seen her come in with me, and she had simply entered after I was already in the stall, I have to admit that I would have mentally noted that 1) she sat down and 2) she had women’s shoes on, therefore, she was the “opposite” gender.
Once we were on our way out of the bathroom, we both commented to each other on the “oddity” of the situation. It was her first time, also, of using a “gender neutral” bathroom.
Socially, we have all become accustomed to either “male” or “female” constrictions with bathroom use. We aren’t at all prepared to mentally wrap our brains around peeing in a public stall next to the “opposite” gender.
Funny, though, we do it in our private lives, with our families, our spouses. Many of us grew up with brothers and sisters, and peeing with the bathroom door open was not uncommon.
At what point did social constrictions take over and dig their way so deeply into our brains, that we, as trans people, find this becomes an “uncomfortable” situation sharing a bathroom with others like ourselves?
Why was it even a situation for me to create the “mental notes” I spoke of earlier? I’m almost appalled at myself, and am ashamed that I felt that feeling of “oddity” in the situation.
We all went through the same fears, the same uncomfortable-ness when we first began transition and started using the opposite bathroom we’d always used. We all know how “strange” it was to walk into these small public spaces amongst our peers and share the intimacies of peeing next to each other.
We have no idea what’s in the pants or skirt of the person in the stall next to us, despite what gender they present/express. And who really cares? We’re all in the bathroom for the exact same reason – to eliminate. Period. It’s a normal, human function.
I had to reevaulate and redistribute my own way of thinking and looking at this issue. I realize I had to “get over” my own “social constrictions” that had been built over a lifetime of indoctrination, and realize that we are all “just human”.
Why should I CARE who is peeing next to me? After all, I’m only in there a couple of minutes, it’s not a social situation, and we all have to do it.
I have come to the conclusion that I still believe “gender neutral” bathrooms should become the “norm”.
I also believe, although it will take much time, many years in fact, that educating the general public, as well as the trans community, is something imperative and a “must do” in order to break down these “socially constrictive barriers” to living our lives comfortably and safely.
Social constrictions suck. That’s my take on the matter.
Seize the day!
Michael B.
Update: Just moments after I published this, I read an article on theParliament.com (EU) which could certainly bring up some debates/discussions here in the transgender community, so thought I’d pass it along for those of you who have not read it yet. MEP’s call for ‘gender neutral; guide to be withdrawn
I love this story for so many reasons. Both because it is somewhat whimsical and still very thought provoking. I’ve been in many gender neutral bathrooms – granted I’ve rarely used them for the intended purpose, instead choosing to sit with “the girls” and hold it while gossiping about all the goings on. I remember the first time I walked into a gender neutral bathroom circa 1997 and wasn’t sure what to do – that time it was because I had to go pee “right now, right now!” I stepped in, noticed different genders congregating and froze briefly while my brain absorbed it. Eventually, nature overruled fear and several of us stood at the sink chatting about how “odd” it is to be in a bathroom together. Of course, by the end of the social event in the bathroom, it didn’t seem so odd anymore.
We are taught these social confines, like some are taught “gay” is bad, “trans” is perversion, “white” is superior to “black,” etc. Unlearning is the hardest part. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Jaysays, honor to have you here and comment on my ramblings.
It would’ve been really “odd” if there had been a small social event as you described. I’m glad it was just my friend and I for my first experience!
Dharma, I noticed the same thing about who was using which “gender neutral” restroom at the Transgender Leadership Summit, including me. I have no desire to ever see a urinal again, but Sunday I realized that if bathrooms are truly “gender neutral,” then I needed to make that true in fact, not just symbolically. In other words, I needed to use the former “men’s” room. However, when the conference ended and I headed to the restroom to make my political statement, the “gender neutral” signs were gone and I ended up in the “women’s” room where I am most comfortable. Oh, well, maybe next time.
Thanks for the post, and the hilarious story, and for not being intimidated by the dimwitted bartender. “The women’s room is for everyone else” could be a book chapter in itself.
I got my church council to agree to relabeling our bathrooms as gender neutral. I explained that since we are an Open and Affirming United Church of Christ, we wouldn’t want anyone visiting us to be faced with the discomfort of wondering whether they are welcome to use the bathroom that is appropriate for them. I think they didn’t really understand the issue or think that was a likely circumstance, but also couldn’t think of any reason not to do it. Just like Dharma’s experience, I observe that everyone keeps using the originally gendered one. Including me, I note with some embarrassment.
When the formerly “women’s” toilet sprung a leak, I got to point out that it was not an immediate crisis requiring me to run for my plumbing tools, since we actually have two gender neutral toilets. Unintended benefits. When it was finally fixed, the report noted (a little sarcastically, I thought) “leak fixed in gender-neutral bathroom.”
This brings back to mind an incident of discrimination which happened to me within the confines of a “GBLT” bar here in Phoenix.
During my transition, when I appeared fairly androgynous, perceptions of whether I was male or female could’ve gone either way in a person’s mind, I entered the male bathroom one evening.
One of the (gay male) bartenders followed me in, and adamantly stated that this was the “men’s” bathroom, and I’d have to go use the women’s. I explained that I was in transition, I was on testosterone, and received nothing but argument.
I asked him to consider the fact that the current “drag queens” in the bar, AS WELL AS, the transwomen who were also present, were all using the women’s bathroom, so it stood to reason that I should be using the men’s.
His answer? “This is the MEN’S room, the women’s bathroom is for all OTHERS”.
I burst into laughter at his obvious, blatant, ridiculous statement, and proceeded to go ahead and pee right in front of him. You should’ve seen his face! LOL
This was a gay man, someone you’d THINK (but we know better, don’t we fellow/sister trans people?) that he’d be a bit more open-minded and less socially stupid.
Actually & sadly, this event doesn’t surprise me in the least. In spite of the fact that T is tacked on the end (an interesting place in some ways) many who identify in the two who get top billing have no concept of who we really are. I’m a transwoman & have seen variations of this theme all too often. My primary partner is a transman & he experienced the opposite when he went into the woman’s room of one of the two existing queer bars in our city. I find it interesting that this is a single use room. Now I do have to say that he shows very little resemblance to his birth gender but the bouncer who hassled him as he came out is good friends with me & I have shared often with her that he is a transman. OK, this could be seen as validation & I do think that he was doing this because oddly enough the men’s room was full at the time & there was no line at the women’s. If I recall there were two other women in the bar that night & quite a few males. One time where the pee parody just wasn’t in it’s normalcy for sure.
I also have met lesbians who absolutely refuse to accept that a transwoman is female. I also have close women friends & a woman that I’m presently dating that won’t go into the women’s room at the same time that I am. Other women, het & lesbian for what that’s worth, that I know not as well of course do so as they would any other woman. Such an interesting lack of relational pattern as to who accepts or not this very common dynamic that is has become cliche’ The there’s the Michigan Woman’s Music Festival has institutionalized prejudice against transwomen.
For many L,G, & yes B people T is tacked on the end grudgingly acknowledging that we are part of the queer rainbow. The concept of our sexuality is a whole different conversation that I’ll spare you. Suffice it to say that I spend a great deal of my time explaining that the gender spectrum & the sexual identity spectrum are separate. That if I were to preform drag I would have to bind & glue on facial hair. Foremost, my kind of man was born female.
unfortunately the gay community still sees us Transgender people as ” Drag Queens and Drag Kings” Drag shows are very popular at many Gay Nightclubs, which is fine with me in a way as it gives us a place to socialize and demonstrate to the community about our validity as well as a chance to congregate safely, Except for the ” Trannychasers” one of which I needed to physically neutralize ( having 3 Black Belts makes for a confident Woman)
So…… Gay Bar and Nightclub owners, help us to have more mainstream social activities and help us with some advocacy as we do for you.
I pretty much won’t go near a queer bar when a drag queen show is going on. I have been very surprised at the sense of entitlement trannychasing males seem to have towards transwomen. Whether they id as het or gay doesn’t seem to make a difference. Also I have run into too many trannychasers who along with being creepy just can’t get the concept that I’m a lesbian. I’ve even had one tell me that if he did me ( I refuse to use the term he uesed) it would be a het thing because I’m a woman & he only does women. Like that is supposed to somehow overcome the issue of my detesting male genitalia.
I also very much don’t appreciate when I’m asked if I preform [drag show]. I have many friends who are drag king & queen performers but to me that is like the time that I thought I was giving my mom a huge compliment when I told her she was as pretty as a Las Vagas Showgirl. I’m just not all glitz & glam & that is so much what drag queens are about. The additional preponderance of transvestites who are drag queens adds to my issue. Of course we still get back to the expectation that it is all about wanting to attract males.
I had a similar experience about a decade ago when I began attending the Community Church of Hope in Phoenix. Your resistance to the new paradigm is normal. But as we examine our pre-existing beliefs, we find our fears are unfounded. This is how oppressive social constructs and belief systems are taken apart.
One thing I noted is that while the bathrooms were labeled “gender neutral”, the original gendered signs were still clearly visible. It was my observation that, despite the lifting of gender restrictions, people tended to use the bathrooms originally designated for their chosen gender. In other words, the vast majority of people in the “women’s” room were women (trans and cis) and vice versa.
I think this demonstrates that even when the legal segregation is lifted, the voluntary social segregation is still very much in place. I wonder what would have happened if the original gender signs were completely hidden. Would there have been more integration?